On the Trails Again (Should be a Song)

It was cold, just twenty four degrees but with the absence of wind it was quite comfortable to join my trail group Sunday morning for the first officially “sanctioned” trail run since surgery. The main group would run eleven to thirteen miles with large hills thrown into the mix. I, along with a couple others, would be content with some seven plus miles. Finishing an hour or so ahead of the main group, I decided to “spoil” them one more time with Hot Apple Cider and treats after the completion of their run.

A day earlier I provided an aid station at Hamburg road for a small group of runners running the Catoctin 50K course. (The Winter CAT). They could not of had better weather, no snow on the trails with temperatures in the thirties and forties during their run. While I would have preferred to be running I was content to help.

Saturday evening the annual Steeplechaser Banquet was held. I was honored with the Anderer Award which recognizes service and contribution to the running club. I knew I was going to receive the award even though I protested to the awards committee that my “service” to the club was simply too much fun to justify such an honor.

What I didn't know was that I would also be recognized along with two other runners, Beverly Black, who has recovered from a bad stroke and Rick O'Donnell who is dealing with Cancer a second time. Rick has been a true inspiration to me; his cancer is being managed with little chance today of a total cure. He has perhaps the best outlook on life among all I know and lives each day to the fullest.

As I received each of my awards I would return to Susan amidst many high fives and hugs. The amount of love, compassion and support from my fellow runners and my wife almost started a torrent of water works which I would have found difficult to control if it had started.

The only negative aspect of the evening were multiple trips to the men's room, followed by minutes of barefoot walking along Carroll Creek to cool off burning feet.

My recovery crawls along, emphasis on the crawling part. It seems that my body has settled into a three or four day routine wherein I feel pretty darn good followed by a difficult twenty four to thirty hour period. I have not been able to connect the pattern with diet, activity or sleep and hope I will settle into a more predictable routine sooner rather than later.

On February 17^th I am planning on participating in the American Cancer Society's “Relay For Life”, which will be held at Mount Saint Mary's College. The Relay Director has approached me about being the Opening Speaker at this years event. I will have to decide quickly, I'm just not sure I could keep myself together speaking about my journey while it is so fresh.

Keep Smiling, Stay Happy...... Mike

Telemarkerter Timing

I am beginning to wonder if I am being monitored due to our proximity to Camp David. It may well be that I am simply paranoid but I doubt it's coincidence that for the past few days, when I require the office throne, when no one else is available, the phone will ring.

If there is a monitor, you can sense the diabolical nature of the "handler" as he calculates my  approach to the bathroom. "Subject, twenty seconds from pants down, prepare to let the telemarketers through. Four, Three, Two and One commence." 

Meanwhile as you might guess there is nothing less wanted then a phone call in this state, but it may be a client, up I will jump. "Subject done with call, seeking relief, thirty seconds to pass through next telemarketer".

"Hello Mr. O'Grady this is John from Family Films", John says.....  John I think, how appropriate. "John, our kids have grown up and hopefully will move out of the house in the next few years. We enjoyed your movies when they were seven, why don't you call back in ten years or fifteen years, when we may have Grand-kids" I also think, "perhaps I may be senile and enjoy them anyway" , CLICK".

Back at central control the "handler" wonders how many more I can endure before I crack.

Ring, Ring, Ring.............
You have got to be kidding me.
Hello, all I hear on the other end is the sound of a hundred voices, my caller, sitting behind a Robo Dial does not have a chance to say a first word, CLICK !

The "handler" now get really nasty. "We'll Pass through an actual customer, pants down in five, four, three, two one".

Ring.

Oh My God, you have got to be kidding me.

I am so beat down I waddle out with ankle hugging undergarments to answer the phone. This time it's a client with a question about a forty dollar order. Of course this order is most important and must ship out Monday, she needs me to email a tracking number and make sure that everything is perfect.I am polite but I'm thinking that if anything drops out on the way back to the bathroom she may have a surprise in her box next week.

Back on the throne the phone rings again and the fact that I did not get up, I imagine five times is my breaking point.

I am getting stronger and better even if I have some bumps along the way.

Mike

Staples Removed / Cleared To Run

Today marks yet another small step towards recovery, my surgical staples have been removed ! The process was a snap with only one staple having sting as it was pulled. The area is sore but I am much more comfortable then I had been.

Susie came along with me I'm sure because she was concerned that I would filter out Dr. Berg's words to hear only what I wanted to hear. So what did we hear today; only that I am cleared to resume running and all other activities. (Within Reason)

I wore my Brilliant Yellow Terrapin Mountain run shirt to the appointment for good luck and apparently it paid off, seeing how I had already registered for this years half marathon trail run at the end of March.

I could not be happier, my head is swimming with all I want to do.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

On other matters, my healing continues even if at a rate slower than I would like. The problems with my hands and feet still plague me requiring me to have both feet sticking out of the covers in our mostly unheated bedroom. I also get relief from walking barefoot on our front porch, I especially like it when there is just a slight film of snow so I can track my melted footsteps as I move from one end to another.

Most of the pain pills I received after surgery are being used to assist sleep as I lay down with hands buzzing and feet burning with fire. I don't need them every evening, only after I have been active during the day with a walk or run, it is the “price” the “retribution” mandated by the chemo.

Dee, my Reiki Care Giver, asked me at my last session if I would be interested in taking a class she will be giving sometime in the near future. Though I don't have a clue how Reiki works I do know it has done me a world of good so I will be taking the class when it is available.

Finally, in my own moment of joy I am reminded of the the hardships of life. In the waiting room was a young man, probably in his late twenties or early thirties. It was his first time to see Dr. Berg; (Quite frankly if your there to see Dr. Berg something serious is going on). As he sat in the waiting room he seemed to sink lower and lower into the chair, looking completely despondent. I tried to start a conversation but he was either in no mood or perhaps just numb with what was ahead of him. It was then I appreciated the personality I was given or forged during my life; even in my darkest moments I don't think I looked so terrible. We would, of course, have to ask Susie to be sure.

Mike

Perception, Meet Reality

Sometimes, it's amazing the difference between perception and reality.

I promise not to focus on my “Potty Training” for all my future blog posts but for now it's a rather controlling force of life.

-----------------------------

Last night, my children, Beverly and I had planned a nice dinner for Susan's birthday, Chinese food, carrot cake (her favorite), sparkling wine, flowers and presents. Since I have been having issues with my feet after walking I decided to skip my afternoon walk to be one hundred percent for the evening festivities. What I hadn't factored in was the treatment I would receive from regions “North of DA Feet”.

For some reason my bathroom requirements have more necessary in the evenings then in the mornings, this evening would border on the the ridiculous. My sessions started off innocently enough later afternoon with no hint that they would soon be required every fifteen to twenty minutes as evening approached.

As time passed, the perception that I had just passed the Rock of Gibraltar was met with the reality that “Bunny Foo Foo” could have laid down a bigger marker. Fire flowed from the depths of hell to the point that even the baby wipes presented no relief.

Sorry, I digress, but while I'm on the subject of baby wipes, those who know me can testify to my skills with Photoshop. In every bathroom of my house and office you can find a package of baby wipes bearing a lovely picture of a woman cradling an adorable baby. It is a comforting picture, yet in my darkest bathroom moments the devil is trying to convince me to replace it with a photo of a balding middle age man, tears steaming out of his eyes as fire shoots from the throne below. Temptation has almost won out.

Where was I, oh yea, Susan's birthday dinner.

Like Custer's last stand I made a valiant effort to make it through dinner, standing up of course. After too many trips back and forth, I made my apologies and off to bed I headed. Laying down felt good but did not help the frequency of visits. Soon, sitting on the throne I heard voices raised in song and joined in with my grunt loaded rendition of Happy Birthday.

I don't feel a bit sorry for myself, instead I'm grateful that I'm here knowing that each day may present it's own challenges but I will meet them knowing I will prevail, one day laughing about it all. At this second in time I don't want to laugh too hard as it might just shake something loose.

Keep Smiling, keep your sense of humor ................. Mike

Stools in the Pool

Rounding that corner towards sixty one does not expect to speak about “Poo” except perhaps when discussing the adventures of potty training or explosive diapers emulating from grand kids. Even then, as a guy, I would have thought I would have simply been nodding as the ladies of the family discussed and reminisced these adventures.

Following the twenty four hours of Volcanic activity starting this past Tuesday night, ending early Thursday morning, an eerie calm descended upon the landscape. Perhaps, Freedrick, exhausted from the rage he put forth after banishment was content to be part of the system instead of a main player. Though the calm was nice it stated becoming a worry by Sunday morning when no further action had been noted.

Most Sunday mornings, by design I'll head down to the trail head at Hamburg Road to run with my trail group. Even if I'm not running I'll typically head down to chat and see who showed up. This Sunday was no different but as the group headed out in eighteen degree temperatures I thought how good a hot cup of apple cider might taste after the run. Since I not supposed to drive I asked Sue if she would go to the Weis to get some cider with me.

Perhaps it was the walking around or the stress of being in public away from my own bathroom that worked but by the time I got home I ran, rephrase, waddled, to the house with butt cheeks clenched tightly. Minutes later, with more effort then I imagined my “Prize” awaited, small yet solid, my first “Duty”.

I am so at ease with my running friends that I'll tell them anything so an hour and a half later, while handing out hot cups of apple cider I mentioned my adventure. High fives and slaps on the back followed with some jokes as well. The title of this post came from Craig one of my running buddies.

Since Sunday morning not much going on until last night when I went through a most unpleasant eight hour stretch. This is going to be a process that shall take time but it will get better every day. If I'm “upset” with anything it's that the neuropathy has returned, yesterday after just a two mile walk my feet burned and sessions on the throne sent my hands and feet “a buzzing”.

On the bright side, I've just signed up for my first race of 2012, the Terrapin Mountain half trail marathon. This was the only “distance” race I ran last year and hence it is appropriate to be my first recovery race. The race is held at the end of March so I should have enough time to get some training in, I realize I may not be in top shape but I am excited never the less.

Much to do........ Much to look forward too................ Much to be excited about

Mike

Thousand Hot Tamales.

WARNING, THIS POST HAS SOME GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF RECENT EVENTS. DON'T READ ON IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR.

“Mike, You're Going to Have a Couple of Rough Days, Get some Desitin and Baby Wipes”, were the words of Dr. Berg as he visited with me Tuesday morning.

As far as days go, Tuesday was simply splendid, I was feeling good even though the “on demand” pain medication had been removed. Pain medication was available in a pill form if I requested it but I simply did not feel I needed it.

Sue had spent the night with me and sometime early afternoon she left and Mother took watch over me. Between an occasional nodding off I spent several special hours of important conversations with Mom. I am grateful for those hours, they were special.

As the afternoon passed along there were rumblings from “down below” that the beast was awakening. After surgery the nurses would place stethoscopes along my belly to listen for the beast but now the rumblings and grumblings were loud enough that I swear the woman in the next room was ready to yell “Shut Up ! “

Early evening arrived with the return of Sue, My Kids, Father and a surprise visit by Larry Key. I felt great, perhaps pumped up by the presence of friends and family yet somewhat apprehensive since I knew the “beast” was going to awaken from his sleep soon.

I made it; for everyone left, excepting Sue, before my first trip to the bathroom !

Who knows what to expect after so many months of inactivity? It wasn't much, and in a strange way I was disappointed.

Round two was a different story; leaving my bed with the IV stand I moved with the speed and precision of a NASCAR crew ready change tires and refuel their car. Positioned solidly on the throne I started to pass gas, not just a little, but an amount that legends are borne on. On and on it went until, at wits ends, I just started laughing as it continued. At one point I thought, “This isn't too bad.”

For those who don't know the O'Grady men, there has always been a childlike fascination with this digestive aspect of life. As a “Younger” man I can remember the formula....... Meat, Eggs,Beer and High Fat Ice Cream to prepare for a “Brothers Road Trip”. Pity the fool who had no window privileges

when we drove in a pickup truck with a single bench seat.

Three times a charm? Where the heck does that phrase come from? I like to know because for me it was no charm.

With the third visit to the bathroom reality set in, immediately set in. Imagine that someone just thew acid down there. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if it happened quickly but each session seemed to last for three to ten minutes, just when you thought you might be done, surprise, your not.

As the evening progressed the story was essentially the same, yet as bad as it might have been I was proud that I maintained control with no accidents ................. until. I'm not sure what time it may have been but Sue decided to head down to the coffee shop. Laying in bed by myself I nodded off only to awaken with an urgent requirement to sprint to the bathroom. I am happy to say my cat like reflexes resulted in me missing me the bed. With the exception of the bed, I managed to leave a trail of sludge and blood that covered the floor, legs, gown and socks. I know I should have called the Hospital staff but instead I grabbed paper towels and cleaned up as best I could. My gown and socks were discarded and a shower from the waist down cleaned me up. This would be my only accident.

The night was a slow torture with a bathroom trip required every hour or so, the discomfort was tolerable but highly unpleasant. It was the night of a thousand hot tamales.

Mike

Surgery

Surgery went well, the fact that somewhere along the way I herniated myself made Dr. Berg's job just a bit easier. Looking back, I remember a “tug” and some pain around the area of the stoma while splitting firewood. Instead of this being a negative it worked in my favor with an operation that should have taken about two hours ending up just being forty five minutes.

Don't worry, I won't be splitting firewood anytime soon.

Early Tuesday morning Dr. Berg came in to check on me, I was feeling pretty good especially since I managed to avoid getting a Foley bag when taking a pee became difficult. (A hot lap around the ward helped to solve that problem). Doc is a no nonsense kind of guy and after seeing how good I was doing he just looked at me and said, “Mike, you're going to have a couple of rough days”.

My belly, when not covered with a bandage looks like a smile with a full complement of braces.

It's Gametime

We'll guys there are no bottles of beer left on the wall, game time is finally here.

With a giant hug I put Maggie on the school bus and shall return to the house to get ready as soon as this post is completed.

I opted not to run on Saturday as I found out it was the last day of hunting season, instead I wrestled with one of the two logs I intend to turn into a bench. After finally getting it into position I had to enlist the help of Patrick for the final placement. That was followed by wood splitting and chores outside.

Later in the evening we enjoyed a "September" bonfire in January. What a great evening, at Ten O'clock when we were finished, I'm sure the temperature still had to be in the mid forties, a sure bonus for January.  

Sunday I ran three miles without my feet burning up! They got a little bit tender near the end of the run but it was not an issue. I am optimistic that this signals that the side effects of the chemo are waning so that when I am able to start running again that may be a non issue.

Mom and Dad will be heading this way later today and Kevin will be taking care of the office, with Susan by my side today I'm sure all will go well.

Time to go all, God Bless.

Mike  

I

Two Bottles of Beer

Pockets of warm and cold air blew into my face as I ran past the half frozen pond just a half mile from my house. It was a highly unusual January day as evidenced by both Tee Times and Ski passes being issued at one of our local resorts; certainly a day I could not pass up for running.

The plan was for a three and a half mile loop, my feet felt good and I left hopeful that I'd cover the distance before my feet caught fire. I made it two and a half but even so it was a sort of victory, my feet, burning hot recovered quickly and were not nearly as bad as my New Years Day run. Today the weather is once again unusually warm so I will try again.

The wind blowing in my face brought forefront the memory of the morning Reiki session. Perhaps ten minutes into the session the background music sounded reminiscent of a small mountain bird that I have heard thousands of times every season of the year in the Adirondacks. Soon, I was transported there, sitting on the summit of Mt Joe gazing down at Heart Lake and beyond to the high peaks. I was alone, watching the clouds roll up and over Wright Peak, fixated upon the simplicity and beauty of it all. It seemed as though minutes had passed when I was joined by Kevin and Patrick, a memory from the first time we had climbed Mt Joe.  Soon they disappeared leaving me along again gazing out at the scene before me. It was quite a moment but what happened next simply left me hardly able to contain myself , I was no longer alone, standing next to me was my father, in his prime, a memory of him from when I was a kid. We did not exchange any words, simply looked out over the mountains and then as quick as it started it was over. Fifteen or so minutes later, my session over, I cried and cried again later when I told Sue what I had experienced. By letting “myself let go” and with the help of Dee and Lorett I was given a gift that even now chokes me up as I write about it.

I would be lying to say that I'm not nervous about what is to come on Monday but at the same time I'm ready to get on with my life. Recovery may take some time but if nothing else I have learned patience to a degree I have never known before.

Ninety eight bottles of beer on the wall ago it seemed forever, chemotherapy seemed forever, six months of wearing a bag seemed forever but in the context of an entire life it has passed quickly. 

Two bottles of beer on the wall left and I probably will drink both of them this evening when we are having a family camp fire.

I am Thankful for so much, I love the life I've had and what I will have.

Mike

Felling Trees - Recovery

Last night I went to bed at eight P.M., thinking it was much later. Even though I have been off chemotherapy for a month now I still find that when my “Batteries” wear down it's time to head off for bed regardless of time. New Years Eve I made it to eleven forty five when my body told me “Time To Shut It Down”.

New Years Day was busy for me; I started at eight in the morning cutting down a beautiful old dead oak tree. The combination of Gypsy Moths, Old Oak Borers and a Root Fungus has killed and weakened most of my oaks, in time I suspect that only a few will remain. An hour of cutting was followed with a New Years Day run. I would like to say that I enjoyed myself, I did get personal satisfaction, but after a few hundred yards both feet were “On Fire” and my run was over after two miles. Standing at the finish, I got a number of people asking me if I was into barefoot running since I was standing there barefoot. (Simply an attempt to quell the burning fire)

Returning home I went back to my tree for some more cutting, splitting and hauling until it started to rain. I “piddled” in the office a while trying to get organized, catching some football until the rain stopped. Back at my tree, I swung the maul at a very large and stubborn log until I realized my heart was pounding and I was breathing like a race horse; Lord it felt good! Eventually the maul struck with a hollow thud indicating the log had yielded to my efforts.

So last night, when my body said enough, it was a good tired, not brought on by stress or drugs but only through physical activity.

This morning my neighbor and friend, Tom Bunk called to tell me he was on his way up to take down several large oaks near my office building. Tom has years of experience with rigging and logging, with his direction we dropped five large trees within inches of where we wanted them to go. It was a learning experience for Patrick, Kevin and I. Tom, would cut a wedge followed by a “Plunge Cut”, this is a cut in which the tip of the saw is used to “dill” a path straight through the tree just behind the wedge. I have seen Tom do this in the past and watched today with extreme interest, I will try this technique sometime later this year.

Early in the afternoon Patrick, Kevin and I started cutting, splitting and hauling the trees felled in the morning. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed seeing Patrick manning the saw, within an hour of starting he looked like an “Old Pro”. I split and hauled wood along with Kevin; Tomorrow Kevin will man the saw and Patrick and I will be the “Grunts”. In a couple of days I'm sure we'll have enough wood to last all winter.

The hospital called while I was working on this post, surgery is now less then a week away. I can't imagine how I will feel once I am whole again. I'm sure there will be a transition period that may not be easy but at least this time, with this surgery, I feel I'm moving forward towards a more normal life. I think that everyone will understand; awakening from my first surgery with a thumb size protrusion (Freedrick) lounging around my belly button did not feel like forward progress. I have imagined many nights, coming out of anesthesia, looking down to my belly button seeing nothing more than a bandage.

OK, bring it on ........... Mike

Three for Me

Ah, the last "Regular Work Day" of the year ; normally I'd sit around and think about the year to come but not this year. We have been really busy.

At three thirty, still with lots to do, I closed the office. Outside  it was fifty degrees, my feet felt cooperative and trails called out. 

Three miles was the extent of my efforts, at the end my feet burned but not as bad as my previous run on Christmas Day. Arriving back at Hamburg Road I removed my shoes and walked barefoot a quarter mile in each direction to quell the fire. It worked and I headed home in pretty good shape.

Tomorrow there may be a fairly large group of my running friends at Hamburg Road. Their plan, as I understand it, is an eleven mile jaunt,  I will be joining them but only for another three mile loop. Even so, this will please me to no end, it shall be a great way to start the last day of this year.

I wish everyone a Happy New Year  ................  Later, Mike

Twelve Bottles of Beer on the Wall

Well this post may be "sad" but here goes anyway. My day has been busy, so busy in fact that I forgot to take all my medication and I am suffering the effects due to my "idiot mind". My hands, which seem to always ache are about the same but my poor feet, those who have suffered enough are burning up again. OK, I took my Gabby s an hour ago, downing them with a Belgium Ale my friend Jim brought to me this afternoon.

My visit to the infusion center yesterday was a mixed bag. The good news is that my blood work looked really good. Although I'm not back to where I started, some of my levels are within the low range of acceptable. The "Bad News" is that while discussing my burning feet and hands with the nurses they told me it often is a symptom of the Neuropathy, I had assumed it was "Hand Foot Syndrome" which would pass quickly; if they are correct; this could last for months.

As I approach surgery I grow anxious, what normal person wouldn't? My intellectual brain (whats left) tells me it's simply another step to recovery. My perception about surgery however, tells me it hurts and quite honestly I'm getting a bit torqued off  about hurting.

Even so, I'm ready for the next step; in a strange way surgery might assure me a couple or few weeks of comfort, when I will not be able to run. If the effects of the chemo would have prevented me anyway; not running because of surgery may  just be "Good Timing".

There is so much I'd like to post but I simply don't have the energy right now but before I forget

Thanks Joe and Mel for the Christmas gifts, words don't express our feelings. I was some what difficult with Susie on Christmas day, she read your card quietly and then I asked her to read it out loud; out loud it seems broke the dam and tears flowed. (Not Just with her I'll admit)
 
Dee and Lorett; you two have been so kind to me, I hope to stay connected with both of you after I recover.

To my family and friends, thanks, it's hard to say much more without writing volumes. 

To My Wife; once again I do not have words to express my feelings. You are an amazing woman;  I only know I choose well when I decided to spend my life with you.

I am as always grateful for the blessings I have, and confronting those I don't have, head on.

Later .............. Mike 


 

Slow Recovery

I am beginning to understand that recovery will be a slower process than I ever imagined.

Yesterday, after opening gifts, followed by a delicious breakfast casserole I headed to our bedroom to change into my running clothes. Powered with "AA" batteries, my new outdoor thermometer broadcast ed a comfortable forty five degrees.  There was no wind or clouds to speak of, just perfect running weather.

Once she saw me in my running clothes, Molly, our dog,  could barely contain herself almost knocking me over several times before I could get her leash on.

It's been three long weeks since I've run, even so, with feet feeling pretty good I thought I'd cover my three and a half mile loop with ease. After a mile I felt good enough to think about changing course for a five mile jaunt; completing just two miles, I was ready for an "About Face".

My right foot was the worst, but thankfully the "injury" or what ever has bothered me in my arch/heel area was not the issue. My feet were simply on fire with both the bottoms and tops of my feet begging relief. It was an easy choice to head directly home but even so, another mile was awaiting; I ran most of it knowing walking would not bring much comfort.

Perhaps the Docs would tell me I was stupid, that I should not be running but for me it was still worth it. Filling my lungs with fresh air, running the trails I love so much made me feel alive again if only for less than an hour. Wrapping my feet in cold face-cloths and later with ice brought relief. I'm not so crazy that I'll go back out today to run but I will try later in the week.


Later ............ Mike

Christmas Eve

On the verge of Christmas Eve I embrace all that is good and ponder that which is not.

Yesterday, Sue and I received a call from a dear friend, Michael McGinley, telling us that his son Stephen has been diagnosed with Lymphoma. I'm not sure of Stephens' age, twenty four or five, a wonderful young man, recently married and working towards his PHD. My heart goes out to his parents Susan and Michael, Stephen, his wife Casey-Mae, his siblings and friends. Stephen is young, strong and lives each day with an intense faith in God. He will have a great support system and will beat this.

My recovery moves forward even if at a snails pace. The issues with my feet have prevented me from running (or walking) for three weeks now. I know that if I could just get out for even two or three miles I would feel so much better. My hands are sore and maintain the odd concurrent sensations of numb / buzzing and sore. Tomorrow, perhaps looking for a Christmas “Miracle”, I will lace up the trail shoes and head out for a run.

Freed-rick, the name I've given to my stoma has been less than friendly lately. If intelligent I think he realizes his time on the outside is limited and he shall soon return to the “land of darkness”. I will refrain from going into details.

To my friends and family I simply cannot say thank you too much. As I move ever closer to surgery and being “whole” I know I could not have arrived to this point in the shape I'm in without your support, patience and understanding.

To Susan, words are simply not enough to express how I feel about the love you've poured over me like a continuous stream of water. Just know that I'm always trying, always trying................ always trying.

Love and Merry Christmas to all ...... Mike

Sixteen Bottles of Beer on the Wall !

Heartless Weights

This morning, after noting that the wood stove held only embers from the night before I reached for the remnants of a corrugated box to rekindle the fire. As I opened the door to the wood stove I was fascinated as drops of blood splatted upon the corrugated I held in my hand.

Nose bleeds are a side effect of the drugs I've received but to date I've only had the most minor of issues; this was a real surprise. Susan recommended I sit down and tilt my head back, this only resulted in my ability to spit up blood. Pretty much ticked off I rolled up a piece of tissue, shoved it up my nose and headed down in the basement to lift some weights.

Weights have no heart, they don't care if you're healthy or ill, happy or sad. They of course are devoid of anything except mass, form and the words “York Barbell Company” on most of my weights. Yet they have the ability to taunt you because you can never win against the weights. Hit your personal max and there is always another five or ten pounds that will be added that you will fail at. I accepted that a long time ago yet this morning was an eye opener.

This morning, with a plug in my nose I got mad enough that I thought I could push some weight. In reality all I managed to push was an expectation in the wrong direction. On the bench press, I ended my morning struggling to do a single repetition with a weight I would have warmed up with just a few months ago.

You might think that I'm discouraged but in fact it quite the opposite, I have a renewed passion for the weights and goals to work towards.

Later in the day, with my foot feeling almost normal I decided I'd attempt a short run. It lasted a half mile, my foot which felt fine when I started, shot bolts of fire from my arch to my toes. Time to quit.

The process of recovery is more complicated then I first thought, I will not stop testing my limits but I will learn to understand and adapt, it is after all just another challenge.

Be strong, be happy ....... Mike

Early Christmas Trail Run

Christmas came early for our Sunday morning trail group as a light dusting of snow covered the ground.

Unable to run due to continued problems with my feet I took the role of "Runner Support" and set up a surprise aid station at one of the turnaround points. With Christmas music playing, hot cider, cookies, chips and dips I surprised our group of runners (twenty strong!) at the turnaround. Later, after all had passed or headed back to the cars I tore down and then set back up at our starting point to await their return. Even though I would have preferred to be running I had great fun and know my running compatriots did as well.

My recovery from chemo continues at a surprisingly slow pace and yesterday I felt as though I "slid backwards" a week or so. What has improved is hyper sensitivity to the cold, while not completely gone it's no longer a major complication to normal living. I am not taking this for granted and still wear gloves while outside.

The neuropathy is still with me with numbness and tingling in my hands, feet and mouth. In the morning I hardly notice it but it builds during the day. My ears are still buzzing and I have a suspicion that this is going to be with me for some time to come.

My feet still "burn" but my hands, still sore seem much better. I realize that all will improve with time but I am dissapointed that I was able to run through all of this only to be stopped now.

Be Happy  ............ Mike

Slow Comback

The morning started with a trip to see Dee and Lorette for a Reiki session, I don't know how they work “Their Magic”, I'm beyond questioning, I do know that the more I can let go the better I will feel; many thanks.

I am surprised I'm not feeling better then I am at this point in time. Even though the chemotherapy is cumulative, based upon how I handled the fifth treatment this has been a real let down. My hands are still buzzing, my mouth still has sensation of being Novocaine'd, (Although enough has worn off enough to sadly let me know a trip to the dentist is forth coming), finally my right foot is a certified wreck.

My “Over All” feeling gets slightly better with each passing day, vision and mental acuity are improving although I still need to be extremely careful at work especially when it involves quoting projects.

Business has picked up and if I can recover fast enough after surgery I'll be hitting the road to reacquaint myself with my customer base. I have lost a number of large projects due this illness and even though they are most likely gone there will be new ones on the horizon.

I'm ready for the weekend and the start of the buildup for Christmas. Kevin returns home sometime over the weekend so we will all be together soon.

Later... Mike 

What is it now, a case of bottles of beer on the wall ? 

Oil and Water

Oil and Water / Gastrografin Enema with bumpy ride home, what do they have in common?

They don't mix, need I say more? I almost made it but I suspect that Susan, flashing back to a very pregnant ride home, albeit full bladder was drawn to every pot hole on Hamburg Road!

The actual procedure went well with the skilled and gentle touch provided by Jill and Karen. It was at times uncomfortable but never painful. I did have a moment of panic near the end of the procedure, when, instructed to roll on my stomach the five inch protrusion which had been inserted (you know where) flew out. Thank goodness we were almost done and it did not need to return home. Believe it or not I left the facility feeling good and laughing. I knew though, after the procedure was complete that not nearly as much fluid escaped in the first “Flush” as went in. I'm sure the Kegel exercises helped but potholes eventually won out.

The Good News to report is that there were no leaks so I'm cleared for surgery.

I had a second appointment with the Oncologist later in the day, that went well except but I found out the port will probably stay we me for some months to come. I was also advised to stay off my feet as much as possible since hand-foot syndrome has set in. My right foot is a mess with my arch feeling like I stepped on a hard rock and bruised it. Dr. Goldstein is in favor of continuing exercise and has suggested riding a stationary bike to reduce impact; I can certainly handle that.

I am so looking forward to being whole again.

Mike

27 Bottles of Beer on the Wall

Leak Test

A week ago I thought I was “in The Clear” as far as chemo was concerned, boy was I wrong.

This past week was one of the toughest week I had since this adventure started. My hands and feet, valiant until now have been a disaster.

If you drew lines from the bridge of your nose, down each side of your mouth, then imagined the entire area (including everything within your mouth) was two hours post Novocaine you have a idea how my face has felt.

Even if running was possible it probably would not have smart, in fact I may have pushed the envelope with a brisk two mile walk yesterday afternoon. I paid dearly as multiple foot rubs could not ease the burning and pain in my feet. In bed at eight thirty I kept looking at the clock, until finally, at eleven thirty I asked Susan to get me a pain pill. I have plenty left as I hardly used what was prescribed after surgery. Thirty minutes later, while Susan stroked my hair, I finally started feeling relief.

Tomorrow morning I head for my “Leak Test”, don't really want to go into much detail but I'll be inflated, x-rays will be taken and then I'll be deflated. The whole procedure should take about a half hour but I fear the next appointment, early in the afternoon will test the Kegel exercises I've been doing. Perhaps this will serve as a life lesson, maybe I should keep an appointment book instead of lugging an emergency bucket

Later......... Mike

Twenty Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall

Beat Down

I swear 5-FU is acting just like a bully, really wailing away on some kid because he's moving away.

Sunday afternoon, showered, dressed and ready for an afternoon of music my body just refused to cooperate. It was almost an exact repeat of Thanksgiving with a fine morning followed with a most unpleasant conclusion to the day.

It was to get worse, Monday morning brought the strangest combination of buzzing, sore, partially numb arms and legs. My ears hummed loudly and with my fogged head I did not trust myself to write a proposal for services.

Yesterday was perhaps even weirder, my hands were quite sore and fingers alternated their status from tingling to just numb. I have to admit that at different times during the day I felt quite sorry for myself.

Some good new to report, my trip to the specialists at the Wilmer Eye Institute resulted in them finding..... drum roll....... nothing. The only remark they had was there was some unusual pigmentation in the retina (right eye only) most likely a genetic “thing” that would never cause any problems.

Today is somewhat better and I'm hoping that I can make a running committee meeting this evening.

Mike

Almost forgot.... Surgery to restore me is set for January 9^th !