Month of Mike Done

As I write this, a Great Friend, with wife and daughter fly home after their annual trip east to visit family and friends. Their visit, a defining part of the “Month of Mike always ends too fast yet ends with the anticipation that next year we’ll simply pick up where we left off before. It has been that way for many years and hopefully for many more to come.

I am convinced that the “Running Gods” are telling me to play more Golf. Sounds like some sort of excuse, I have really enjoyed playing this month but I believe it to be true. This past Thursday we received a pallet load of labels, no big deal in itself but this time the truck had no lift gate, meaning a roadside unloading. Pilling my dolly high with cases of labels, I placed my right foot on a support, pushing hard downwards to lean the dolly back. My shoe, loosely tied popped off and I pile drove my foot into the pavement below.  To say this was a “Bit” painful would be an understatement, I immediately felt like I would hurl but managed to keep a measure of composure and a profound limp while I wheeled the “Devil Dolly” to the garage. I ran four miles today with a good bit of discomfort in the heel, not from the PF I’ve been dealing with but from my new and improved measure of self-inflicted accidental abuse.  UGH!

My month included Doctor Visits and normal tests for Cancer follow ups. The good news is there is no news, my tests came back clean. Next month I meet with the Gastroenterologist, another follow up. We should have an interesting conversation, later on that. I see the Podiatrist July 2nd about my foot, I imagine I'll get a "Green Light" to resume training in earnest.  

Resuming running has led to a reduction in pain medication but not to a degree that I am happy with (yet). Most of my runs have been three to five miles in length with about twenty miles logged last week. I can honestly say that I am not getting the same “Bang for the Buck” from running that I use to but I realize it might take time and more distance. I grow impatient, I don’t want to be put on medication I’ll have to take all the time, yet if I have to take Hydrocodone all the time what’s the difference.

For no good reason at all I feel much is about to change in a positive direction. There are many things spinning in our little family, kids doing well, Sue with a new school next year and me …….. Well, if I can keep from beating myself up perhaps I’ll get my act back on track.

Later

Mike  

Month of Mike 2015

Once again the "Month of Mike" returns starting off tomorrow weekend with a class of 75 Golf event followed by the annual MSM Alumni Golf Tournament on Saturday. I look forward to seeing friends whom I have not seen for some years.

Call it fortunate or unfortunate, my golf game is in pretty good shape. Once again I have a running injury. This one started ten or eleven weeks ago when my foot twisted badly crossing a "Rock Garden" while on a seventeen mile training run. For six or seven weeks I cut back my running and when I did I ran almost 100% on roads and the C&O Canal to avoid twisting my foot. I thought it worked, until, eight miles into the Capon Valley 50K the beast returned. By mile twenty I was in serious discomfort, somewhere around mile twenty eight I was walking down some of the steep downhill's backwards. It wasn't a total disaster however as I was rewarded with a free shower the last hour of my run. The sounds of the storm were intense, the wind blew branches off  trees and when the temperature plummeted twenty some ought degrees I went from being hot to cold within minutes. Were it not for an "unofficial" aid station manned by Superhero Police Officers passing out beer and Moonshine I might not have finished the race..... thanks guys whomever you may be.

My plans for the fall have not changed, I still intend to try Oil Creek in October for my "One and Done 100K" followed by JFK 50 miler in November. We'll just have to wait and see, I have nothing to prove, if this brings anything other than self satisfaction I'll just have to bid farewell to Ultra Running.

Follow up visits with the Docs have been good, later this month I'll have routine blood
work with the follow up with the Oncologist. Even though there is no logical reason to be nervous I always am.

Not running has once again reinforced the importance of doing so from a pain management standpoint. I am still using more pain medication then I would like, still by many standards,  low dose, but even so this worries me. My hands are the chief issue and quite frankly I cannot play golf when my hands are "Wonky" (my technical term for electrified burning hands)

The GI Track is way more predictable these days with few real surprises (although they still happen). Removing most dairy from my diet seems to have really helped but  I do miss my Ice Cream. I am resigned to the fact that I may deal with these challenges for the rest of my life but this is a small price to pay.

Next weekend I'll drive a U-Haul to Chicago with my Father's possessions. Dad will be moving in with my brother Bill. It has been hard being witness to his decline and hard to pull apart the home that Mom and Dad built over a lifetime. I hope I will look at this transition and attempt to be better prepared for my final years, for Sue and my children.

Month of Mike will be a "Mixed" Month, I am grateful to be here to embrace it.

March 19th 2015 Terrapin Mountain Week

March 19, 2015

It’s Thursday afternoon, less than twenty four hours before I leave to head down for perhaps my favorite race , “Terrapin Mountain”.

I leave with mixed feelings, as excited as I am about the race I dread what I need to do in the next twelve hours to prepare. Our host for the weekend has a wonderful home, yet there are not enough bathrooms for the number of guests for anyone to have the luxury to ponder life, complete a Sudoku puzzle or read “Gone With the Wind” cover to cover while on the Throne. Therefore as part of this year’s training I’ve discovered a devastating, totally effective solution …. A single Dulcolax and a couple beers. Yep, sometime tomorrow morning (hopefully by four or five A.M.) I’ll be clean as a whistle, mean and nasty, ready to focus that energy on the mountain….. Well at least I have a plan.

Since I haven’t written for some time I guess I should fill in some blanks.

It’s been a tough winter for us “weak winter” Maryland people. Snow and Ice covered the ground in a blanket of white/grey for ten weeks straight. On the mountain we had a stretch of four or five weeks that never saw an above freezing high temperature. Running was reduced to waddling out in heavy clothes mainly on plowed roads as trails were simply too nasty. In a word it … sucked.

I am now more than ever convinced of the benefits of running and perhaps the timing of running. Since my normal schedule has been interrupted my dependence on pain killers has jumped a lot. I am very hopeful that once I can get back to a “Normal” running schedule this will change. I am of the opinion that an early morning endorphin hit set my day in a positive framework. Looking back I can see that many days “going south” were saved by an early or midafternoon run to get “my fix”.

I may be writing to myself, it does not matter as this has helped me to go back, allowing me to keep everything in perspective, I am fortunate that I seem to easily forget hardships.

It’s my mother’s Birthday, she’s been gone two years now. Still I have few words, even as I placed flowers on her grave this morning. Happy Birthday Mom, you’re always with me.

First Day of 2015

Amazing how quickly time can pass, I have not written in months even though there were a few times I felt like I should.

So I a nutshell, JFK came and went, another finish to add to the collection of ten. It was my slowest ever at just a hair over eleven hours, frustrating as a fall on the AT screwed up my left knee. The damage was not apparent at first but after twenty seven miles my knee flared up. The discomfort started a chain of events in my GI track which pushed me into four "comfort" stations (nothing comfortable about those stops) costing me probably twenty to thirty minutes. Oh well. Many thanks to my kind friends for their role in helping me train and in pacing me to the finish. I doubt I could have done this one alone.

My dependence on the pain medication had not diminished but after seeing my oncologist we are trying Gabapentin again. The early returns are in, it seems to help and I believe I'm heading on the right track.

So what does 2015 hold in store? We'll there are no certainties in life but I'm the eternal optimist. Saturday I'll run a 25K, later a couple of ten mile races and then a race called the "Frozen Snot", a course supposedly as unpleasant as the race's name. February I may do a 50K followed by Terrapin Mountain in March followed by my first mini-triathlon in April.

Good to be talking about races instead of Cancer, oh, about that ........ last round of blood letting, prodding and CAT scan show no trace. Three years clean.

Happy New Year All

Mike

October 2014

It astounds me how much can go on in the short span of one month. If I wrote everything of interest (to me anyway) it would take up a medium size chapter of a book so instead I’ll do a quick “fly by”.

Of utmost importance, Susan and I celebrated our thirty third wedding anniversary October 3ed. There was no exchange of gifts rather just pecks on the cheek, flowers to brighten the house and a letter I wrote to Sue. Prior to the day I struggled for weeks trying to get the words right. My “salvation” arrived listening to Pandora ….. A James Taylor song saying everything I felt far better than I could have expressed. The Lyrics are below …. Thank you Mr. Taylor

Wake up Suzy, put your shoes on, walk with me into this light, oh,
finally this morning, I'm feeling whole again, it was a hell of a night.
Just to be with you by my side, just to have you near in my sight.
Just to walk a while in this light, just to know that life goes on.

Wake up Suzy, put your shoes on, walk with me into this light.

Another night has gone, life goes on, another dawn is breaking.
Turn and face the sun, one by one, the world outside is waking.
Morning light has driven away all the shadows that hide your way.
And night has given away to the promise of another day.

Another day, another chance that we may finally find our way.
Another day, the sun has begun to melt all our fears away.
Another day, another day.

Oh, wake up Suzy, put your shoes on, walk with me into this light.

The next most important part of the month was a family trip to the beach. To be honest I had reservations, my busy time of the year in addition to many other considerations. I learned something important from this experience, sorry for the directness ….. Screw it, just screw it. Family outweighs all and concerns often are unfounded ….  As they were during the week.

Training for JFK is going better than expected, however, there is a setback I did not expect …. My hands are having a hell of a time with this cooler weather, it’s not good. Most of the time it’s just a high degree of aggravation almost like having a bad case of poison ivy, other times it’s downright painful.  The only thing that seems to help is the Hydrocodone and I find myself using this during the day (so I can feel human) as well at night so I can sleep. I do not want anything to change until after JFK but then I'll need to have a conversation with my Docs.

Yesterday I started moving the first sticks of firewood up to the house. It’s getting colder and I must admit I’m not too excited. I’m beginning to understand why older people love Florida.

Later ……………. Mike

JFK Hopeful

It's one A.M. in the morning, can't sleep and feel like I'm coming down with a cold. Even so, I feel I have turned a corner in the road.

After three weeks of not drinking much beer I have given up and the results have been beneficial. Not only is my GI track better off but so is the neuropathy in my hands and feet. This defies all logic but if a couple of beers a day works then the heck with it. I have however, maintained the assault on dairy, cravings for ice cream, cheese and yogurt are fading away and staying that course will be in my ability.

Now for the really good news .... this past Sunday .... in an eight hour endurance event I was able to run twenty six miles virtually pain free. This  trail run, held at Greenbrier State Park had loops just under five and a quarter miles with eight hundred feet of elevation gain. Prior to the run I expected two laps, perhaps three if the pain in my foot wasn't too bad. It was crazy that after five laps the only thing holding me back was twinges in my right knee.

This was the longest run of the year, the first run beyond ten miles since I injured my Hamstring back in May. At the end I was tired but not exhausted, nothing cramped and little soreness in the following days. I did need several pit stops along the way but so what's new.

Perhaps more important than anything else, running without pain brings back the joy of running. This morning, as Molly and I ran there was nothing to distract me from cool air on my face and of leaves changing color... Sweet !

Stay Happy ..... Mike

Summer Ending

Summer slowly plods along with Fall soon ahead. If one day I look back at the summer of 2014, it will be best if I have forgotten running injuries which have kept me from enjoying the best weather since Sue and I moved here almost thirty years ago.

Achilles, Hamstring, Hamstring and now a “to be determined” heel injury. This has been the year that as challenge is met another arises. For the past five weeks my left heel leaves me gimping around after even the shortest of runs and when I get up in the morning.

Earlier in the year I registered for the JFK 50 miler, I have run ten, two since cancer and was looking forward to completing this years event ........ doubts are creeping in.

As far as my health is concerned, the “blood letting”, probing and imaging have come back with good results. The Neuropathy in my Hands and Feet is “improving”, but as nerves seem to return to my feet, numbness is replaced by tingling pain and burning. It's in the realm of unpleasant, not unbearable.

The GI track is an on going work I progress and I am experimenting with diet to see if I can help myself out. I have gone to virtually a no dairy diet, no easy adjustment as it includes half and half in my morning coffee, yogurt, cheese and of course ice cream. I have been on this diet for two weeks and it seems that it is working. I addition I have reduced beer consumption considerably just to make my dietary changes just that more miserable.

There have been bright spots this summer. Sue and I enjoyed some time alone at Chincoteague, I played good rounds of golf including the first with my son Patrick. Maggie got a job and AC&E summer business was stronger than usual.

In a few days I will see a Podiatrist to determine what I have done to my heel and how to address it. If I have to drop out of another event so be it, I can deal with it.

Stay Happy All … Mike

POST TIME REDO

POST TIME REDO

 

Almost three Years ago, August 4^th ,I left our home for a one mile walk before heading down to FMH for major surgery. I had a song in my head which I modified to my own purpose, “Look What They are Going to you Son ….. Ma”. Amazing that in times of deep trouble even a middle aged man would seek out his mom.

The time since is mostly a blur, the blur of someone living day to day hoping that tomorrow will be better. I'm happy to report that life is better, not perfect, not without challenge, but better.

My torn Hamsting is on the mend , now I begin the process of building back endurance to compete in my eleventh JFK Fifty Miler in November. The word compete is something I have been thinking a great deal about, instead of the word participate.

To me, to compete means that I will try do my best, I should have very little left in the tank when I cross the Finish Line. It means I'll be I no shape to run another race the next day or even several days later, I should be “spent”. To compete does not mean I will have a great finish among my peers, rather that I gave my best on a particular day.

In no way do I think that participation is a bad thing, it's wonderful that many want to participate but I prefer to compete as long as I can.

Today was my first “Long Run” since I tore the Hamstring. Nine trail miles in an incredibly slow two hours twenty minutes. Not too damn competitive hey, but a start and I could not be happier.

It's only early August but already I see some leaves sporting bright reds, Fall, my favorite time of the year is coming.

Stay Happy

Mike

Month of Mike Complete

The “Month of Mike” came to conclusion with mixed reviews.

Two weeks after my last post, healing well, I had almost completed a five mile loop with my friend Tom Bunk. Feeling good the thought entered my mind, “I'll get another lap in this morning”. .......I believe that “The Fates” await such declarations and accordingly, pounce.

It struck perfectly, the broken root wedged into my left shoe in such a way to trip and spin my entire body around.

Unlike some falls, those which allow inventory to discover what will hurt, there was immediate feedback that my Hamstring was really screwed up. So much for a month of recovery, goodbye Catoctin 50K, I'll be a Delauter Road volunteer again this year.

An MRI confirmed I had torn the Hamstring but there was a possibility that I had also torn a Tendon as well. I read the first report. “Significant tearing of the Muscle, inconclusive regarding the tendon.” Hello second MRI ! Fortunately, this showed an intact Tendon, no surgery required .

If there is good news it is that I can walk and I have resumed an almost forgotten sport …... Golf !

During the Month of Mike I typically play Golf a few times yet for years Golf has been “ Kay Sa Ra Sa Ra Whatever will be will be.”

Injured, not able to run, I actually have practiced enough to see results from my efforts. I have had a few surprisingly good rounds icluding a strict three over seventy five at our local public links “Clustered Spires” and a low/mid eighties round at Musket Ridge from the “Tips”.

Our dear friends, the Sokol's made their annual visit back east , certainly a bright spot in my month. Joe and I got out on the links three times, spent a few hours shooting photos and enjoyed a good dinner with all the kids able to be there. As Joe celebrated his sixtieth birthday I got a Roto-Rooter job (certainly not a highlight of my month)

As far as everything else is concerned, well lets just say I'm coping. Not being able to run has been physically and mentally stressful. My poor GI track is a disaster, running always seemed to help in that department. My neuropathy got increasing worse at first but that has seemed to level off.

Well that is about all I care to write now. Good thoughts for a great summer.

Mike

Eleven Miles

Eleven miles (Sunday), typically would not be a meaningful run but yesterday’s was. Running with my friend Larry, I was able to cover the distance without awakening the “Devil Hamstring”. Our run, slow and comfortable, sped by as we enjoyed a beautiful morning with engaging conversation. The Mountain Laurel is at it's peak and once again the Watershed becomes ablaze with white and pink blooms.

Today, on my morning jog with Molly, the Hamstring “Spoke” to me, enough to schedule tomorrow, another, deep tissue massage” to attack the “Devil”.

If all goes well, I may spend a good portion of my pending sixty-first birthday on the trails with a goal of fifteen to twenty slow and steady miles.

There should be little surprise when I say my attitude has been getting better as my body heals. Frustration still haunts, however, I can see light at the end of the tunnel both physically and mentally.

With this in mind, when I say it occurred to me during a run that I should write my own obituary, this did not come from a “Dark Place”.  Instead it may have been an enlightened moment, for whom better knows me then me? Upon reflection it seems purely awful that in many cases a stranger sums up your life in a few paragraphs.  So anyway here goes …..

Michael O’Grady, born James Michael OGrady, never using his First Name died (Fill in the Date). Survived by his loving and smarter wife, his three children, Kevin, Patrick and Maggie and dumb dog (fill in name of current dumb dog) he leaves after a pretty darn good life.

Not a natural talent, Mike worked hard to achieve some degree of proficiency in Photography, Golf, Running and Beer drinking. Running was a late life passion finishing (Fill in the number) JFK 50 Mile races. Self-employed he never achieved great financial wealth yet left this world with an incredible portfolio of family and friendship.

Quick with a smile, lucky in love he simply asks you hoist a mug, toast his life and get about enjoying yours.

I could write more but why bore with dribble no one wants to read ? I fully believe many Obituary readers are there just to see whom they have outlasted.

Stay Happy ..... Mike

 

Month Of Mike III

The “Month of Mike” approaches and I am hopeful that this month will reach epic heights even if the lead up to “My Month” hasn’t been so great.

For anyone who is unfamiliar with the “Month of Mike”, let me explain, it’s all about me!

Starting off, I play the Mount Saint Mary’s alumni Golf Tournament. An annual tournament played the first Saturday in June, I have participated in every one since they started, and, to my knowledge there is only one other individual who has also done so.

Next my birthday followed shortly by father’s day. The month is completed by the Eastern Migration of my friend Joe and family for the summer visit back home. Of course this means another couple of rounds of golf, a great dinner with friends and a fitting end to the month.

I look forward to “My Month”.

The lead up to my month has seen its ups and downs. On the “Bright Side” my two volunteer efforts at the C&O 100 and the MMT 100 were extraordinary experiences. Both events, even though extremely tiring returned tremendous rewards in the self-satisfaction, I had worked help another. It also deepened my appreciation for two friends, Craig Capella and Dave Hartman, who were simply outstanding to work with, if I refer to the “Three Musketeers” in the future those will be the guys.

Now not that I look for “Quid Pro Quo” or anything but a little volunteerism might have been good for Karma? Maybe?

Well, Wednesday after returning from MMT I pulled my Hamstring almost right in the middle of a Twelve Mile C&O Canal run. The last time I did this I was down for six weeks. I will try to be smarter, return to running slowly but hopefully can get enough training to compete in the Catoctin 50K at the end of July.

Another round of tests lay ahead of me including another “Roto Rooter” Job; Just Peachy!

My Dad struggles with his issues, he may finally be realizing that he needs to plan for what the future will bring, if he really want to address it, well that would be a blessing, yet I fear it’s quite a bit late. Hopefully the rest of us will learn something from this.

Keep Happy …. Mike

Just Same Old Stuff

I will never know if my blog has helped anyone else dealing with Cancer and its aftermath but it has helped me. When I’m having a difficult day I sometimes I return to my blog, review a random post and realize I have come a long way.

I’ve come a long way, yet my journey is far from over and I find myself wondering where this will eventually lead me. Pain is a constant companion and I find myself more willing to take pain medication to handle it. Not taking it leaves me to some degree non-functional, not able to concentrate. Sometimes I can handle the misery by lacing up my shoes and heading out for a run.  After a mile or so I imagine those good old endorphins kick in and I’ll start feeling better. If only I could make a living logging miles I might be all right.

There are a few things which have been suggested for me to try but this would involve being on some drug everyday perhaps forever. For now I elect to stay with pain medication, I control when and if I take it. I am hopeful that warmer weather will reduce the discomfort to a level where I only need an occasional “Pop”. 

Running is becoming a joy again as many of the nagging running injuries are healed or just a nuisance. Somehow I need to convince an uncooperative GI track that running beyond ten miles is a good thing. It is isn’t it?

Spring is finally pushing a resentful winter out of the way and thoughts of Golf are arriving. Tomorrow when I drop Kevin off for a consultation I may just head to the range to see if I have any swing left.

Over the next month I will work as a volunteer at a couple of 100 mile races. This weekend it will be the C&O 100 and then in May I’ll be the “Gap Creek” aid station Captain for the MMT 100. That is going to be a lot of responsibility and while nervous I’m looking forward to it.

All right a note to myself. Mike, if you come back to this, just remember you came through a nasty winter, you might be drinking just a little bit too much beer and your running is going just fine. Sometimes you might just ask a little more out of your body than it is willing to deliver. Remember that you have a great wife, wonderful kids, family and friends who care and are pulling for you.  Enjoy spring.

Permanance

Ever since my appointment with the Oncologist last week I have struggled with the idea that pain will most likely be a constant companion for the rest of my life. This has been a difficult concept to accept.

There are three things that help me deal with day to day discomfort.

(1) Pain Medication
(2) Alcohol
(3) Running

If only I could just run. Today I ran two four mile loops, one in the early morning and another early afternoon. I would have run another but with this relentless winter, not ready to yield to spring, I cut firewood after work in anticipation of more cold weather.

When I run it takes a half mile or so before the pain in my feet and hands starts to disappear. Often, after two or three miles I can almost zone out, lost in the beauty of the run and devoid of most physical discomfort. If only it would last. I imagine, on average the effects of running will last an hour or two following the run and then like a rat on crack I want more. Well unless some program is sponsoring me so that making a living is a non-issue, running as a pain management plan just isn't going to work.

Booze is not the answer and pain drugs scare the living hell out of me but I imagine that meds will be the answer. I have been on a low dose narcotic (as needed) for two plus years. It allows me to run, have a social life and work. As much as I hate thinking I may be dependent on anything I've come to the conclusion that it's better to use "tools" available so I'm not laying on the couch being miserable, I can have a life.

As far as I have come on this journey I have a long way to go. Each morning as I awake ....  I wiggle my toes, ... are they numb, ... tingling or just fine. It may sound odd but those mornings I awake to my feet feeling just fine (almost) it's difficult to get out of bed because .... after a minute or two my feet are likely to go numb. But I get up, and if, the weather allows I throw on my running gear, grab Molly and go out for a run.

Today was a difficult day, there was nothing extraordinarily different than yesterday, I just didn't handle it well. Tomorrow may be the same or entirely different, when I awake tomorrow I'll wiggle my feet and try to figure it out.

Mike

I swore I was Done

Returning home from Terrapin Mountain I swore to myself that I was done with running. That was  Monday, Wednesday morning I laced up my shoes, Molly needed "Trail Time". Saturday I ran a 5K, finishing 12th overall, winning my age group. Tuesday I sent in my application to run my eleventh JFK 50 miler. I swear, ..... I need help.

I had a follow up appointment with my Oncologist today. Two years and three months since the last chemo treatment it appears the damage to the nerves in my hands and feet may be permanent. This is not a great surprise, I have suspected it for some time. It's not a "Game Stopper" but certainly not something that I look forward to dealing with. Of course just the fact that "I'm here" and have to deal with it is good news.

There is a lot going on right now .... Later .. Mike

Return to Terrapin

I decided to wait a couple of days to give some thought to my experience at Terrapin Mountain.

We are all wrapped in a blanket of life surrounding us with what we can control and that which we cannot. Stupid should be within our control, yet, I seem to repeat mistakes, I imagine believing the outcome will be different the next time.

There is an unwritten rule among distance runners, you should never try anything new on race day. In my case I need to maintain that mantra for days in advance for the best chance at performing at or near my best.

There is no need to go into explicit detail but I changed my diet starting Wednesday afternoon, moving to low fiber. By Friday afternoon, when my friends picked me up I was in panic mode, my GI track was stuck and I was uncomfortable.

Normally before a “Big” race I’ll allow myself a beer or two the day before. In hope that I could jump start my system I poured down the better part of a six pack, by bed time my reward was only intestinal cramps. The morning was worse, even with a short walk nothing was going right. As we left for the race my hope for the run lay on Imodium and pain medication.

Rarely would you have a more perfect morning. Unfortunately by the start of the race it wasn’t perfect for me, yet pain medication had kicked in enough to complete; although I had no idea how well. After two miles I started feeling decent which continued to about eight miles when the “about face” began. By mile ten the battle below had begun, discomfort replaced pleasure, panic shoved out confidence. Nearing the finish line a quick glance of the clock revealed I had run ten minutes slower than last year. Even though I was miserable I had assumed I was running about the same.

I don’t know why I looked at my performance as a defeat, under the circumstances I’m sure many would congratulate me on the effort. I finished twenty ninth out of almost one hundred forty, yet it felt hollow.

Several hours of sprints to the “John” ensued until I was done, It ….. Was …… Not ...... Fun.

If there was a saving grace it was my friends, many who ran well, I got to share in their triumph, joy and companionship.

In the past I might have said, “Well maybe next year”, but if illness has taught me anything it is that next year is not a given, it’s a gift.  I want to run each race I give a damn about like it’s my last …. I just need to avoid stupidity.

Mike

The Winter of my Discontent

The Winter of my Discontent

I ran ten road miles today, ten miles with a good friend as surrounding snow began to yield to warming temperatures. Per S.O.P. when not huffing or puffing we talk, as we have for hundreds of hours on the trails. Investments, family, friends and situations, typically the focus of conversations.

Today was not much different except …..  I confessed that I have been treading dangerous waters …. I have been feeling sorry for myself.

In my mind I try to feel justified, cold and snow have denied the pleasure of trail runs. Marathon snow shoveling has rewarded me with sore hands and road run roads which have produced painful feet. “Forced” to cut firewood an old injury under my rib cage has reappeared making it   hard to sleep and sometimes breath. Poor, Poor, me …. So tragic.

Each morning as I awake, still in that world of half awareness, I wiggle my feet. Sometimes I feel all of my toes and sometimes not. There may be small jabs of pin pricks or nothing at all, sometimes they will feel like ice while actually they are warm, or, hot even when they are actually cool. It’s all F-d up.

Hands prickle, guts spin, and I never know if I’m headed to the “Can” once, twice or twelve times in the next fourteen hours. To paraphrase the song ……  “Poor, Poor, Pitiful me”, all these things are working on me ….. Lord have Mercy on me, wo is me.

 And yet, I ran ten miles today, with a good friend in warming weather and ……… I am ashamed, because I realize that so many woke up this morning suffering physical and mental strain far beyond anything I’m dealing with now or in the past. How many would love to wake up with even the possibility to wiggle their feet?

Yet, I’ll give myself a “Pass”, I won’t beat myself up because I know that this is a natural thing we all do…..  The key ………… I believe is not to stay in this state too damn long. It will yield nothing but temporary physiological relief. I need more than that….

It is about a month before my first race of 2014, Terrapin Mountain. I guess I am either ignorant or blessed. I believe I MIGHT improve on my inspired performance of last year. I have obstacles in my path, lack of training, injury, feeling damn sorry for myself and lack of drive ….. But what the hell I have another month ….. A month to get back on the trails ………. A month to realize this gift I have been given ………. A month to create a plan to crush the sixty year old division, some of the fifty, most of the forty, a majority of the thirty and perhaps concede to the twenties (most of which I should leave in the dust).

Oh my God, to be Sixty and still be a dreamer!

I should not feel sorry for myself ………

End of January 2014

I have surprised myself with a desire to post in my Blog far sooner than I thought.

Perhaps it is because I am so bored, it’s driving me crazy, while the month of January started out busy the last week and a half have been terribly quiet for my business. In the past three days I have not received a single phone call and few emails worth any mention.

Dry spells have happened before, and, in other times they might even be a welcome excuse to get out and run but with the weather we have had lately …. Well let’s just say running in single digits, no longer, as the song goes is, “One of My Favorite Things”. Not to say that I have been a complete laggard, I managed to run a hundred twenty six miles this month with the majority of them being  run in snow and temps below twenty degrees.

In addition to the business lull there has been a hit to the “personal side” of my life. The Reiki Master, Dee Grimmett, one of those who helped me through the darkest moments of Cancer treatments, died. Dee was one of the kindest individuals I have ever known with a “Wild Streak”, I never would have imagined until I was enlightened at her funeral. I was fortunate enough to see Dee perhaps a couple of weeks prior to her death at Frederick Memorial Hospital, we had a splendid hour and a half conversation. I have also had friends and family facing issues that I care not to discuss, except to say that the downwards spiral will cease, just like the cold temps of winter will yield to the inevitable consequence of spring.

As for me this cold weather has been unkind to my hands and feet with hands being far worse than feet (THANK GOD). I often go to bed trying to avoid pain killers but more often than not, lately, I relent after two or three hours in favor of getting needed sleep. I am concerned about the addictive potential of the narcotics I’m taking but I am on a very low dose and almost never need more than five milligrams a day. They work well, pain is relieved and they don’t seem to give me any sort of “High”, which I experienced once when I screwed up and in no way liked it. At least I have that going for me.

Punxsutawney Phil will crawl out of his hole this weekend, the little Celtic Devil will predict the outcome of the rest of this winter, No matter what HIS VERDICT I’m sure we are in for it at least another six weeks, could be worse but I’m an optimist.

 

Come on Spring ...... Mike

Time for a Break

I was upstairs, retrieving running pants left in the bathroom the night before. The early morning light was dull, yet not as dull as the faded upholstery of the couch in the loft. Ten feet across, the computer desk supports a broken computer, the desks’ partner, a chair, somewhat in need of repair. To the right of the desk a stand up lamp is crawling with stink bugs, its illumination apparently attractive. Plucking stink bugs from the white plastic globe of the lamp, introducing them one by one to my red plastic beer cup, half filled with water and foaming with dishwashing detergent I am almost done when I realize part of the lamp is missing.

Gazing into the cup……. stink bugs …. I realize, apparently are not great swimmers. In my “Pool Party” they crawl over each other in a frenzied attempt to escape the cup. In doing so they most assuredly have set their fate as most panicked swimmers will.

Running pants in one hand, stink bugs in the other, I start downstairs only to see our worn hardwood floors. It dawned on me that perhaps, just perhaps I was starting to become like my possessions, worn and tattered. It was not a feeling of self-pity, no, perhaps a brief insight to reality.

I imagine all of us lucky to live long enough to feel like an antique might want to decide what type of antique. Should I be a broken dresser, functional but a throw away at the end? Or, try to be that restored piece, a treasure which grows in value over time? Both approaches have their trade-offs, I am hopeful that I'll strive for ongoing restoration.

I was recently asked me if cancer changed me. There is no denying that it has but not in ways that I fully embrace or care about. Cancer did not change my fundamental nature, my core outlook on life. I have been and continue to be one of those individuals granted, if not a perfect existence then a pretty damn good one.

Cancer however has made me more attune to suffering, the suffering of others and I cannot say this is an improvement. Often, I turn away from the nightly news casts as reports and images of sadness fill the screen. Those few “Good News” reports simply do not seem to provide balance. Phone calls and emails with news of illness, death and struggls impinge my connection to Morpheus, and I’ll lay in bed for much of the night looking at the red illuminated output of the digital clock.

Cancer has also made me acutely aware of time and how we can easily squander what has been given us. GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY I certainly do not hold myself innocent. Yet as guilty as I am I worry about the next generation, watching my almost grown up children, I see the seductive and unhealthy affinity to spend countless hours among bits and bytes, the electronic life.

A friend told me that I have been an inspiration. Perhaps this is the most ironic part of my experience. If others could look deep inside my heart, my soul, they would know why I do not consider myself an inspiration. I had a choice (actually no choice), either give up or fight. Over the millennia I’d place pretty high odds that most would fight. Running, in and following treatment is an important element of my life, an addiction, a good one for seeking psychological and physiological relief. It’s the best addiction I have. No the real story of inspiration belongs to my wife Susan who quietly stood by and took care of me. My brutal honesty at times had to hurt but she never outwardly showed anything but compassion, love and understanding. Susan is the true role model that others might strive for.

On my run yesterday I did not pass my “Rock Pile” but I did find two outstanding white quartz stones to place for Mom and Rick O’Donnell. This morning, I was saddened to learn of the death of a runner, a friend of a friend, hit by a drunk driver while on her morning run. She leaves three young children, a husband, family and friends wondering why. Later today a third stone will be placed at the pile, a prayer will be said, a prayer with the hope that grief shall fade, replaced by peace.

This will be my last post for some time, I am hopeful that I have “Run Through Cancer” and now I’m “Running Through Side Effects”. I have no illusions, I may never recover one hundred percent but I do expect some improvement.

 

To my family, friends and those who may stumble on this blog …….. Peace and happiness.

Mike

Humpty Dumpty Two Years Later

Humpty Dumpty couldn't be put back together again but two years ago today I was.

I thought I remembered the day quite vividly but even so I went back and read my blog. Reading what I had written validated memories and reminded me of the long slow journey I’ve been on.

Two years have seen good progress but not as far as I had hoped. There is no way to sugar coat it, I'm in some sort of pain almost one hundred percent of my day. It's not severe but it's a  gnawing presence that keeps me on edge if I give in to it. There are exceptions of course, pain pills, booze and running.

Well at least one of the three is actually good for me. It's tough however to run just when you want to go to bed, it's then, in the quiet comfort of my own bed I feel every tingle from hand and foot nerves damaged from chemo. Lately with some self massage or mental imagery I have been able to suck it up and go to sleep anyway but not always.

The GI system is workable as long as I stick to a fairly simple diet that has limited meat and dairy intake. Limited is the key as well when it comes to alcohol. Two nice glasses of wine (Almost always red) prove beneficial, three are risky and more is a sure fire prescription to the throne room the next morning / day. I have used this knowledge to my advantage to prepare for a race or other noteworthy event.

Looking ahead I feel progress with my GI track will continue but I am coming to the realization that my hands and feet may be an issue for some time to come. Warmer weather , running, attitude and diet will hopefully get me to a point where I will not require any pain killers to “dull me up”, I feel dull enough as it is.

Today, two of my kids had their wisdom teeth extracted. I'm pretty sure it's their first time to experience physical hardship lasting longer then a cut to a finger, minor burn or a twisted ankle. I am grateful for that and for how well they are both doing, it's a day they won't soon forget either.

Stay Happy

PS> I've signed up for Terrapin Mountain which will be held at the end of March. The last two times I have run this I have been inspired to run perhaps the finest races I have ever run considering the circumstances, I hope I may continue in that tradition.

A Year Later

A year ago to the day Patricia Rose O’Grady, my mom, lost her battle with kidney cancer.

Sometime around three AM this morning I awoke, restless, thinking about mom and how the holidays seemed somewhat empty without her. As I often do when I wake up and can’t sleep I head to the kitchen for something to eat.  There sitting on the counter was a note signed, Love Pat.

The note, written to my wife was a recipe; though I’m sure my wife may have dozens of such notes I can’t ever remember finding one. How odd that I should find this on the first anniversary of her death. After reading it I felt comforted and was able to fall asleep after returning to bed.

Just a while ago I was walking in the blowing snow, below zero wind chill and brilliant sunshine. I was singing and talking the entire time, comfortable yet aware how quickly things can change, just like the year which has passed.

2014, a new year, a time for new beginnings ….. Welcome