Honesty

Honesty, I struggle with the concept, when friends or family ask how I'm doing. “Hanging in There”, sometimes code for, “I feel like crap but hope to feel better soon.”

Honesty with Susan is even more difficult; I will not hide what is going on or how I'm feeling. Often, when speaking, I know it's painful for her to hear, but I owe her nothing less then the truth. Her response is never anything other then to comfort me.

I have been thinking about honesty quite a bit lately, how honest should I be with myself and those around me. It is an interesting question. 

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I missed a follow up appointment today because of a serious accident (not mine) and have been lucky enough to reschedule right after the Labor Day weekend. Hopefully I might gain some insight as to why I seem to be sliding backwards instead of progressing ahead albeit at a snails pace.

Perhaps I'm unrealistic in my goals and aspirations, my reaction to my ten mile run last weekend was probably not hard to explain and the subsequent week of GI Track “Swings” probably completely within norms. Even so I grow tried and impatient with all of this.

There were a couple of splendid days; on Sunday I drove to stay with a friend at his cabin in the Western Maryland / West Virginia area. Monday and Tuesday spent on great hikes, my favorite being to visit Muddy Creek Falls. Located in Swallow Creek State Park, Muddy Creek Falls it is the tallest free falling waterfall in Maryland. If that were not enough the park boasts one of the only UN-lumbered areas in Maryland with breathtaking three hundred year old Hemlocks. 

Fun was followed by a full day of GI issues on Wednesday although I was able to get almost a full mile of a run in before I rushed home to be “Chained” to the head for the remainder of the day.

Thursday, feeling decent I did manage two short runs and a walk but today I'm back to feeling just shy of awful. Three nights of little sleep for no apparent reason may be to blame but I'm not sure.

I had Reiki this morning and as always it helped, just wish I could “Bottle It Up” and have it when ever I needed it.

This weekend I have entered the Thorpewood 10K Race. Last year I finished in an amazing second place. (Somewhat due to the Young Man in front of me getting lost). There is no way I'll be able to race hard unless through divine intervention so I'm looking to enjoy and know that I'm supporting a good cause. Well ....... sorry .......... that just sucks ...... I'd rather kick ass.

Enjoy the Labor Day Weekend

Mike

Another Sunday Morning

It's Sunday morning and while I write this post a dozen or so friends are enjoying a cool morning run on the "Blue Trail" Normally my absence would have been somewhat depressing and while I really would prefer to be with them I am not unhappy.

Yesterday I pushed my limits a bit too far.

My day started with a ten mile run on the C&O canal keeping about a nine minute pace with my running friends Craig and Debbie. It  was a cool and humidity free morning, truly rare for Maryland in August.  I knew at some point I my body would remind me that I had not done this for some time, only with a mile or less left it did. This was my longest run in months and all systems behaved (until I got home anyway).

Prior to the invite from Craig for a canal run I had signed up for a March of Dimes 5K race through one of the local Vineyards. Having a race through a winery is not that unusual but a start time of five in the afternoon was. Still, with live music, wine tasting and a great cause I had signed up even though I know I should not be racing.

I returned home before noon, sprinting first into the office to deal with a GI track that had little appreciation for a great ten mile run. In addition, my arms "Buzzed" from the elbows down, something I have not experienced before. For the next two hours I would return multiple times to the "Can" and began to wonder if I would be able to go to the race. I took half of a pain pill and laid down on the couch for a nap.

Rest often works wonders for me and by  the time I had to leave (4:00 P.M.) I felt pretty darn good so off I went.

On the starting line I told myself, "Just take it easy, enjoy". The course was a double loop course and I was pleasantly surprised when I completed my first loop in a hair under twelve minutes. Where do bad thoughts come from ? Hell I don't know but it came........... "Negative Split". After all, I felt pretty good, certainly wasn't carrying any excess weight and with the hills it should be my type of course. I guess the Achilles held out for about half a mile before it began "talking", in addition I began to feel the morning miles as I  started gimping up hills and running down without the benefit  of a full stride. It was a slow last mile.

Final time, twenty four twenty five, seventeenth overall, second in my age group. After the race I limped around for an hour or so, tried some wine and headed home feeling somewhat stupid but happy that I had run a race, my first since March.

Today the guts are quiet, the Achilles sore but not too bad, later I'll be heading to spend a couple days at a friends cabin hopefully getting in a hike or two. Life is good.

This past week, two people I know underwent Rectal Surgery, one person I followed on a Blog passed away and I ran my first race in months, I have much to be thankful for.

Mike

August 20, 2013

Cancer weighs heavy on my mind today.

When I started my Blog I started following blogs of other cancer patients. Two blogs in particular; Jen Hanks and Amanda Boyd drew my attention and soon my admiration. These women took on the disease with courage, determination and wonderful attitudes. As I went though treatment and as I continue to recover I have followed their journeys and have tried to be as strong as they.

Amanda's husband Mark, writes their blog, today my heart went out to him as Amanda is in her last days of life, her cancer came back. Jen Hank's cancer also returned and she moves forwards into round two of her battle.

In addition to Amanda and Jen a couple of individuals I know will undergo the same lower rectal surgery this week that I had two years ago. This will be followed by chemo; followed by (for one) a reversal, the other will have an Ostomy bag for the rest of his life.

I have just started another round of follow ups and am hopeful that I will get the “All Clear” in another month or so. It is nerve wracking. 

Speaking of "Nerve Wracking", I take Patrick to the M.V.A. for his driver test in about twenty minutes..... 

Mike

Saturday August 10th

Friday afternoon a single lightning bolt brought my business to a standstill.

While the rogue bolt was quite a distance from our building it had evil intent taking down our internet and to a lesser degree our phones. Phone service came back quickly but it's been four days with no email or internet.

Astounding is the word I would use to describe our dependence upon the internet.

We place and receive orders, process credit cards, invoice clients directly through our computer system. Email has replaced the telephone as the main form of communication. We receive and send software, label designs, graphics and support information as attachments to emails.

Without the Internet ............ We are dead in the water. Stress +3

Our call to Comcast Friday afternoon was answered with, “We see some service disruptions in your area”. Saturday morning the answer was, “There are no outages, turn your Modem off and power it back on again”. (Of course I had done this already). “OK, well get someone there Tuesday afternoon”.

Tuesday, Tuesday are you kidding? This is a business. Stress +3

Hoping the cable modem might have taken a hit my son got a list of approved cable modems and off to Staples I went. One hundred dollars later I returned with our electronic “Savior”. The Modem needs to be registered but our call went unanswered as the tech office closed an hour prior to my return. Stress +2

Monday morning arrives and tech support informs us that I have purchased the wrong modem. Stress +2 / Bank Account -100. “We will send someone out today”,

Stress -2. Finally we are moving in the right direction.

Our technician arrives and quickly determines there is no service to the office, no service at our junction box so it is somewhere down the line. His presence, Stress -1, may not get service back today, Stress +1 (Evens out).

Kevin walking into the office, “Dad we have a leaking pipe in the basement”. Priceless

My body, as tough as I may sometimes think I am no longer conceals the effects of stress. In a strange way perhaps it would be better for everyone to feel their hands hurting, their feet going numb and their guts churning to alert them to breath deeply, step back, relax and understand that shit happens.

Saturday evening, one of those perfect Maryland evenings, resembling late September instead of August, Sue and I entertained neighbors with a Margarita evening. Stress I'm afraid caught up with me and I had to excuse myself earlier then I would have liked.

Sunday morning I woke up feeling pretty good, albeit somewhat empty, to manage an eight mile run with minimal Achilles issues. Today I have have iced down a couple of times, I'm taking an anti inflammatory and am encouraged at how well I feel.

Sue starts back to work tomorrow, summer for us is over so we look ahead to fall.

Stay unstressed everyone.

Mike

PS> For some reason the post above sat for a week; since then my GI Track has been a disaster. My Sunday morning run (today) required three "bear in the woods stops" in five miles, the good news is that I still managed to log almost thirty miles for the week. A start. 

I fixed the leaking pipe in the basement (perhaps the most complicated repair I've done to date, ten connections to sweat), the Internet is fixed and fixed (perhaps more on that later); in it's infinite wisdom the universe has decided that another plumbing challenge is justified on the other side of the basement. This one is perhaps beyond my ability, might have to call the plumber. Oh well .......... no sweat ! 

"O"

Moving Ahead

Yesterday while shopping in the Weiss Grocery store I ran into Laurie Frey; Laurie is a key figure with the Maryland American Cancer Society; she is also someone who reads my blog and has been very encouraging to me.

Since she reads the blog, she asked how my running was coming, knowing that what I am dealing with “injury wise”, as far as running is concerned, has nothing to do with cancer. This made me think ….......

If my posts are more about running then Cancer then anyone reading my blog might consider that I am above and beyond the disease. Nothing could be further from the truth, in reality I that think about it every day. Reminded by my own physical clues from Buzzing Hands, Numb Feet and Guts that won't cooperate. Reminded by advertisements from the Cancer Center. Reminded at each three month checkup / followup. Reminded by those still fighting. Reminded from others who have friends or family recently diagnosed. Reminded from the occasional nightmare which takes me back to treatment days.Reminded by those who have lost their battle. 

No, I don't forget but I try to. Forgetting is a way of trying to feel normal. Forgetting will never change the past but it does help me get though day by day as dwelling certainly does not help. 

Cancer is and will be a part of me for as long as I live, there is no denying that. If I can't forget then I'll try to focus on that which is more positive.

So ..........  Achilles survived hiking in the Adirondacks, I am ready to start training for my tenth JFK Fifty Miler in November.

Mike