End of January 2014

I have surprised myself with a desire to post in my Blog far sooner than I thought.

Perhaps it is because I am so bored, it’s driving me crazy, while the month of January started out busy the last week and a half have been terribly quiet for my business. In the past three days I have not received a single phone call and few emails worth any mention.

Dry spells have happened before, and, in other times they might even be a welcome excuse to get out and run but with the weather we have had lately …. Well let’s just say running in single digits, no longer, as the song goes is, “One of My Favorite Things”. Not to say that I have been a complete laggard, I managed to run a hundred twenty six miles this month with the majority of them being  run in snow and temps below twenty degrees.

In addition to the business lull there has been a hit to the “personal side” of my life. The Reiki Master, Dee Grimmett, one of those who helped me through the darkest moments of Cancer treatments, died. Dee was one of the kindest individuals I have ever known with a “Wild Streak”, I never would have imagined until I was enlightened at her funeral. I was fortunate enough to see Dee perhaps a couple of weeks prior to her death at Frederick Memorial Hospital, we had a splendid hour and a half conversation. I have also had friends and family facing issues that I care not to discuss, except to say that the downwards spiral will cease, just like the cold temps of winter will yield to the inevitable consequence of spring.

As for me this cold weather has been unkind to my hands and feet with hands being far worse than feet (THANK GOD). I often go to bed trying to avoid pain killers but more often than not, lately, I relent after two or three hours in favor of getting needed sleep. I am concerned about the addictive potential of the narcotics I’m taking but I am on a very low dose and almost never need more than five milligrams a day. They work well, pain is relieved and they don’t seem to give me any sort of “High”, which I experienced once when I screwed up and in no way liked it. At least I have that going for me.

Punxsutawney Phil will crawl out of his hole this weekend, the little Celtic Devil will predict the outcome of the rest of this winter, No matter what HIS VERDICT I’m sure we are in for it at least another six weeks, could be worse but I’m an optimist.

 

Come on Spring ...... Mike

Time for a Break

I was upstairs, retrieving running pants left in the bathroom the night before. The early morning light was dull, yet not as dull as the faded upholstery of the couch in the loft. Ten feet across, the computer desk supports a broken computer, the desks’ partner, a chair, somewhat in need of repair. To the right of the desk a stand up lamp is crawling with stink bugs, its illumination apparently attractive. Plucking stink bugs from the white plastic globe of the lamp, introducing them one by one to my red plastic beer cup, half filled with water and foaming with dishwashing detergent I am almost done when I realize part of the lamp is missing.

Gazing into the cup……. stink bugs …. I realize, apparently are not great swimmers. In my “Pool Party” they crawl over each other in a frenzied attempt to escape the cup. In doing so they most assuredly have set their fate as most panicked swimmers will.

Running pants in one hand, stink bugs in the other, I start downstairs only to see our worn hardwood floors. It dawned on me that perhaps, just perhaps I was starting to become like my possessions, worn and tattered. It was not a feeling of self-pity, no, perhaps a brief insight to reality.

I imagine all of us lucky to live long enough to feel like an antique might want to decide what type of antique. Should I be a broken dresser, functional but a throw away at the end? Or, try to be that restored piece, a treasure which grows in value over time? Both approaches have their trade-offs, I am hopeful that I'll strive for ongoing restoration.

I was recently asked me if cancer changed me. There is no denying that it has but not in ways that I fully embrace or care about. Cancer did not change my fundamental nature, my core outlook on life. I have been and continue to be one of those individuals granted, if not a perfect existence then a pretty damn good one.

Cancer however has made me more attune to suffering, the suffering of others and I cannot say this is an improvement. Often, I turn away from the nightly news casts as reports and images of sadness fill the screen. Those few “Good News” reports simply do not seem to provide balance. Phone calls and emails with news of illness, death and struggls impinge my connection to Morpheus, and I’ll lay in bed for much of the night looking at the red illuminated output of the digital clock.

Cancer has also made me acutely aware of time and how we can easily squander what has been given us. GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY I certainly do not hold myself innocent. Yet as guilty as I am I worry about the next generation, watching my almost grown up children, I see the seductive and unhealthy affinity to spend countless hours among bits and bytes, the electronic life.

A friend told me that I have been an inspiration. Perhaps this is the most ironic part of my experience. If others could look deep inside my heart, my soul, they would know why I do not consider myself an inspiration. I had a choice (actually no choice), either give up or fight. Over the millennia I’d place pretty high odds that most would fight. Running, in and following treatment is an important element of my life, an addiction, a good one for seeking psychological and physiological relief. It’s the best addiction I have. No the real story of inspiration belongs to my wife Susan who quietly stood by and took care of me. My brutal honesty at times had to hurt but she never outwardly showed anything but compassion, love and understanding. Susan is the true role model that others might strive for.

On my run yesterday I did not pass my “Rock Pile” but I did find two outstanding white quartz stones to place for Mom and Rick O’Donnell. This morning, I was saddened to learn of the death of a runner, a friend of a friend, hit by a drunk driver while on her morning run. She leaves three young children, a husband, family and friends wondering why. Later today a third stone will be placed at the pile, a prayer will be said, a prayer with the hope that grief shall fade, replaced by peace.

This will be my last post for some time, I am hopeful that I have “Run Through Cancer” and now I’m “Running Through Side Effects”. I have no illusions, I may never recover one hundred percent but I do expect some improvement.

 

To my family, friends and those who may stumble on this blog …….. Peace and happiness.

Mike

Humpty Dumpty Two Years Later

Humpty Dumpty couldn't be put back together again but two years ago today I was.

I thought I remembered the day quite vividly but even so I went back and read my blog. Reading what I had written validated memories and reminded me of the long slow journey I’ve been on.

Two years have seen good progress but not as far as I had hoped. There is no way to sugar coat it, I'm in some sort of pain almost one hundred percent of my day. It's not severe but it's a  gnawing presence that keeps me on edge if I give in to it. There are exceptions of course, pain pills, booze and running.

Well at least one of the three is actually good for me. It's tough however to run just when you want to go to bed, it's then, in the quiet comfort of my own bed I feel every tingle from hand and foot nerves damaged from chemo. Lately with some self massage or mental imagery I have been able to suck it up and go to sleep anyway but not always.

The GI system is workable as long as I stick to a fairly simple diet that has limited meat and dairy intake. Limited is the key as well when it comes to alcohol. Two nice glasses of wine (Almost always red) prove beneficial, three are risky and more is a sure fire prescription to the throne room the next morning / day. I have used this knowledge to my advantage to prepare for a race or other noteworthy event.

Looking ahead I feel progress with my GI track will continue but I am coming to the realization that my hands and feet may be an issue for some time to come. Warmer weather , running, attitude and diet will hopefully get me to a point where I will not require any pain killers to “dull me up”, I feel dull enough as it is.

Today, two of my kids had their wisdom teeth extracted. I'm pretty sure it's their first time to experience physical hardship lasting longer then a cut to a finger, minor burn or a twisted ankle. I am grateful for that and for how well they are both doing, it's a day they won't soon forget either.

Stay Happy

PS> I've signed up for Terrapin Mountain which will be held at the end of March. The last two times I have run this I have been inspired to run perhaps the finest races I have ever run considering the circumstances, I hope I may continue in that tradition.

A Year Later

A year ago to the day Patricia Rose O’Grady, my mom, lost her battle with kidney cancer.

Sometime around three AM this morning I awoke, restless, thinking about mom and how the holidays seemed somewhat empty without her. As I often do when I wake up and can’t sleep I head to the kitchen for something to eat.  There sitting on the counter was a note signed, Love Pat.

The note, written to my wife was a recipe; though I’m sure my wife may have dozens of such notes I can’t ever remember finding one. How odd that I should find this on the first anniversary of her death. After reading it I felt comforted and was able to fall asleep after returning to bed.

Just a while ago I was walking in the blowing snow, below zero wind chill and brilliant sunshine. I was singing and talking the entire time, comfortable yet aware how quickly things can change, just like the year which has passed.

2014, a new year, a time for new beginnings ….. Welcome