Just Same Old Stuff

I will never know if my blog has helped anyone else dealing with Cancer and its aftermath but it has helped me. When I’m having a difficult day I sometimes I return to my blog, review a random post and realize I have come a long way.

I’ve come a long way, yet my journey is far from over and I find myself wondering where this will eventually lead me. Pain is a constant companion and I find myself more willing to take pain medication to handle it. Not taking it leaves me to some degree non-functional, not able to concentrate. Sometimes I can handle the misery by lacing up my shoes and heading out for a run.  After a mile or so I imagine those good old endorphins kick in and I’ll start feeling better. If only I could make a living logging miles I might be all right.

There are a few things which have been suggested for me to try but this would involve being on some drug everyday perhaps forever. For now I elect to stay with pain medication, I control when and if I take it. I am hopeful that warmer weather will reduce the discomfort to a level where I only need an occasional “Pop”. 

Running is becoming a joy again as many of the nagging running injuries are healed or just a nuisance. Somehow I need to convince an uncooperative GI track that running beyond ten miles is a good thing. It is isn’t it?

Spring is finally pushing a resentful winter out of the way and thoughts of Golf are arriving. Tomorrow when I drop Kevin off for a consultation I may just head to the range to see if I have any swing left.

Over the next month I will work as a volunteer at a couple of 100 mile races. This weekend it will be the C&O 100 and then in May I’ll be the “Gap Creek” aid station Captain for the MMT 100. That is going to be a lot of responsibility and while nervous I’m looking forward to it.

All right a note to myself. Mike, if you come back to this, just remember you came through a nasty winter, you might be drinking just a little bit too much beer and your running is going just fine. Sometimes you might just ask a little more out of your body than it is willing to deliver. Remember that you have a great wife, wonderful kids, family and friends who care and are pulling for you.  Enjoy spring.

Permanance

Ever since my appointment with the Oncologist last week I have struggled with the idea that pain will most likely be a constant companion for the rest of my life. This has been a difficult concept to accept.

There are three things that help me deal with day to day discomfort.

(1) Pain Medication
(2) Alcohol
(3) Running

If only I could just run. Today I ran two four mile loops, one in the early morning and another early afternoon. I would have run another but with this relentless winter, not ready to yield to spring, I cut firewood after work in anticipation of more cold weather.

When I run it takes a half mile or so before the pain in my feet and hands starts to disappear. Often, after two or three miles I can almost zone out, lost in the beauty of the run and devoid of most physical discomfort. If only it would last. I imagine, on average the effects of running will last an hour or two following the run and then like a rat on crack I want more. Well unless some program is sponsoring me so that making a living is a non-issue, running as a pain management plan just isn't going to work.

Booze is not the answer and pain drugs scare the living hell out of me but I imagine that meds will be the answer. I have been on a low dose narcotic (as needed) for two plus years. It allows me to run, have a social life and work. As much as I hate thinking I may be dependent on anything I've come to the conclusion that it's better to use "tools" available so I'm not laying on the couch being miserable, I can have a life.

As far as I have come on this journey I have a long way to go. Each morning as I awake ....  I wiggle my toes, ... are they numb, ... tingling or just fine. It may sound odd but those mornings I awake to my feet feeling just fine (almost) it's difficult to get out of bed because .... after a minute or two my feet are likely to go numb. But I get up, and if, the weather allows I throw on my running gear, grab Molly and go out for a run.

Today was a difficult day, there was nothing extraordinarily different than yesterday, I just didn't handle it well. Tomorrow may be the same or entirely different, when I awake tomorrow I'll wiggle my feet and try to figure it out.

Mike

I swore I was Done

Returning home from Terrapin Mountain I swore to myself that I was done with running. That was  Monday, Wednesday morning I laced up my shoes, Molly needed "Trail Time". Saturday I ran a 5K, finishing 12th overall, winning my age group. Tuesday I sent in my application to run my eleventh JFK 50 miler. I swear, ..... I need help.

I had a follow up appointment with my Oncologist today. Two years and three months since the last chemo treatment it appears the damage to the nerves in my hands and feet may be permanent. This is not a great surprise, I have suspected it for some time. It's not a "Game Stopper" but certainly not something that I look forward to dealing with. Of course just the fact that "I'm here" and have to deal with it is good news.

There is a lot going on right now .... Later .. Mike