Permanance

Ever since my appointment with the Oncologist last week I have struggled with the idea that pain will most likely be a constant companion for the rest of my life. This has been a difficult concept to accept.

There are three things that help me deal with day to day discomfort.

(1) Pain Medication
(2) Alcohol
(3) Running

If only I could just run. Today I ran two four mile loops, one in the early morning and another early afternoon. I would have run another but with this relentless winter, not ready to yield to spring, I cut firewood after work in anticipation of more cold weather.

When I run it takes a half mile or so before the pain in my feet and hands starts to disappear. Often, after two or three miles I can almost zone out, lost in the beauty of the run and devoid of most physical discomfort. If only it would last. I imagine, on average the effects of running will last an hour or two following the run and then like a rat on crack I want more. Well unless some program is sponsoring me so that making a living is a non-issue, running as a pain management plan just isn't going to work.

Booze is not the answer and pain drugs scare the living hell out of me but I imagine that meds will be the answer. I have been on a low dose narcotic (as needed) for two plus years. It allows me to run, have a social life and work. As much as I hate thinking I may be dependent on anything I've come to the conclusion that it's better to use "tools" available so I'm not laying on the couch being miserable, I can have a life.

As far as I have come on this journey I have a long way to go. Each morning as I awake ....  I wiggle my toes, ... are they numb, ... tingling or just fine. It may sound odd but those mornings I awake to my feet feeling just fine (almost) it's difficult to get out of bed because .... after a minute or two my feet are likely to go numb. But I get up, and if, the weather allows I throw on my running gear, grab Molly and go out for a run.

Today was a difficult day, there was nothing extraordinarily different than yesterday, I just didn't handle it well. Tomorrow may be the same or entirely different, when I awake tomorrow I'll wiggle my feet and try to figure it out.

Mike