Three for Me

Ah, the last "Regular Work Day" of the year ; normally I'd sit around and think about the year to come but not this year. We have been really busy.

At three thirty, still with lots to do, I closed the office. Outside  it was fifty degrees, my feet felt cooperative and trails called out. 

Three miles was the extent of my efforts, at the end my feet burned but not as bad as my previous run on Christmas Day. Arriving back at Hamburg Road I removed my shoes and walked barefoot a quarter mile in each direction to quell the fire. It worked and I headed home in pretty good shape.

Tomorrow there may be a fairly large group of my running friends at Hamburg Road. Their plan, as I understand it, is an eleven mile jaunt,  I will be joining them but only for another three mile loop. Even so, this will please me to no end, it shall be a great way to start the last day of this year.

I wish everyone a Happy New Year  ................  Later, Mike

Twelve Bottles of Beer on the Wall

Well this post may be "sad" but here goes anyway. My day has been busy, so busy in fact that I forgot to take all my medication and I am suffering the effects due to my "idiot mind". My hands, which seem to always ache are about the same but my poor feet, those who have suffered enough are burning up again. OK, I took my Gabby s an hour ago, downing them with a Belgium Ale my friend Jim brought to me this afternoon.

My visit to the infusion center yesterday was a mixed bag. The good news is that my blood work looked really good. Although I'm not back to where I started, some of my levels are within the low range of acceptable. The "Bad News" is that while discussing my burning feet and hands with the nurses they told me it often is a symptom of the Neuropathy, I had assumed it was "Hand Foot Syndrome" which would pass quickly; if they are correct; this could last for months.

As I approach surgery I grow anxious, what normal person wouldn't? My intellectual brain (whats left) tells me it's simply another step to recovery. My perception about surgery however, tells me it hurts and quite honestly I'm getting a bit torqued off  about hurting.

Even so, I'm ready for the next step; in a strange way surgery might assure me a couple or few weeks of comfort, when I will not be able to run. If the effects of the chemo would have prevented me anyway; not running because of surgery may  just be "Good Timing".

There is so much I'd like to post but I simply don't have the energy right now but before I forget

Thanks Joe and Mel for the Christmas gifts, words don't express our feelings. I was some what difficult with Susie on Christmas day, she read your card quietly and then I asked her to read it out loud; out loud it seems broke the dam and tears flowed. (Not Just with her I'll admit)
 
Dee and Lorett; you two have been so kind to me, I hope to stay connected with both of you after I recover.

To my family and friends, thanks, it's hard to say much more without writing volumes. 

To My Wife; once again I do not have words to express my feelings. You are an amazing woman;  I only know I choose well when I decided to spend my life with you.

I am as always grateful for the blessings I have, and confronting those I don't have, head on.

Later .............. Mike 


 

Slow Recovery

I am beginning to understand that recovery will be a slower process than I ever imagined.

Yesterday, after opening gifts, followed by a delicious breakfast casserole I headed to our bedroom to change into my running clothes. Powered with "AA" batteries, my new outdoor thermometer broadcast ed a comfortable forty five degrees.  There was no wind or clouds to speak of, just perfect running weather.

Once she saw me in my running clothes, Molly, our dog,  could barely contain herself almost knocking me over several times before I could get her leash on.

It's been three long weeks since I've run, even so, with feet feeling pretty good I thought I'd cover my three and a half mile loop with ease. After a mile I felt good enough to think about changing course for a five mile jaunt; completing just two miles, I was ready for an "About Face".

My right foot was the worst, but thankfully the "injury" or what ever has bothered me in my arch/heel area was not the issue. My feet were simply on fire with both the bottoms and tops of my feet begging relief. It was an easy choice to head directly home but even so, another mile was awaiting; I ran most of it knowing walking would not bring much comfort.

Perhaps the Docs would tell me I was stupid, that I should not be running but for me it was still worth it. Filling my lungs with fresh air, running the trails I love so much made me feel alive again if only for less than an hour. Wrapping my feet in cold face-cloths and later with ice brought relief. I'm not so crazy that I'll go back out today to run but I will try later in the week.


Later ............ Mike

Christmas Eve

On the verge of Christmas Eve I embrace all that is good and ponder that which is not.

Yesterday, Sue and I received a call from a dear friend, Michael McGinley, telling us that his son Stephen has been diagnosed with Lymphoma. I'm not sure of Stephens' age, twenty four or five, a wonderful young man, recently married and working towards his PHD. My heart goes out to his parents Susan and Michael, Stephen, his wife Casey-Mae, his siblings and friends. Stephen is young, strong and lives each day with an intense faith in God. He will have a great support system and will beat this.

My recovery moves forward even if at a snails pace. The issues with my feet have prevented me from running (or walking) for three weeks now. I know that if I could just get out for even two or three miles I would feel so much better. My hands are sore and maintain the odd concurrent sensations of numb / buzzing and sore. Tomorrow, perhaps looking for a Christmas “Miracle”, I will lace up the trail shoes and head out for a run.

Freed-rick, the name I've given to my stoma has been less than friendly lately. If intelligent I think he realizes his time on the outside is limited and he shall soon return to the “land of darkness”. I will refrain from going into details.

To my friends and family I simply cannot say thank you too much. As I move ever closer to surgery and being “whole” I know I could not have arrived to this point in the shape I'm in without your support, patience and understanding.

To Susan, words are simply not enough to express how I feel about the love you've poured over me like a continuous stream of water. Just know that I'm always trying, always trying................ always trying.

Love and Merry Christmas to all ...... Mike

Sixteen Bottles of Beer on the Wall !

Heartless Weights

This morning, after noting that the wood stove held only embers from the night before I reached for the remnants of a corrugated box to rekindle the fire. As I opened the door to the wood stove I was fascinated as drops of blood splatted upon the corrugated I held in my hand.

Nose bleeds are a side effect of the drugs I've received but to date I've only had the most minor of issues; this was a real surprise. Susan recommended I sit down and tilt my head back, this only resulted in my ability to spit up blood. Pretty much ticked off I rolled up a piece of tissue, shoved it up my nose and headed down in the basement to lift some weights.

Weights have no heart, they don't care if you're healthy or ill, happy or sad. They of course are devoid of anything except mass, form and the words “York Barbell Company” on most of my weights. Yet they have the ability to taunt you because you can never win against the weights. Hit your personal max and there is always another five or ten pounds that will be added that you will fail at. I accepted that a long time ago yet this morning was an eye opener.

This morning, with a plug in my nose I got mad enough that I thought I could push some weight. In reality all I managed to push was an expectation in the wrong direction. On the bench press, I ended my morning struggling to do a single repetition with a weight I would have warmed up with just a few months ago.

You might think that I'm discouraged but in fact it quite the opposite, I have a renewed passion for the weights and goals to work towards.

Later in the day, with my foot feeling almost normal I decided I'd attempt a short run. It lasted a half mile, my foot which felt fine when I started, shot bolts of fire from my arch to my toes. Time to quit.

The process of recovery is more complicated then I first thought, I will not stop testing my limits but I will learn to understand and adapt, it is after all just another challenge.

Be strong, be happy ....... Mike

Early Christmas Trail Run

Christmas came early for our Sunday morning trail group as a light dusting of snow covered the ground.

Unable to run due to continued problems with my feet I took the role of "Runner Support" and set up a surprise aid station at one of the turnaround points. With Christmas music playing, hot cider, cookies, chips and dips I surprised our group of runners (twenty strong!) at the turnaround. Later, after all had passed or headed back to the cars I tore down and then set back up at our starting point to await their return. Even though I would have preferred to be running I had great fun and know my running compatriots did as well.

My recovery from chemo continues at a surprisingly slow pace and yesterday I felt as though I "slid backwards" a week or so. What has improved is hyper sensitivity to the cold, while not completely gone it's no longer a major complication to normal living. I am not taking this for granted and still wear gloves while outside.

The neuropathy is still with me with numbness and tingling in my hands, feet and mouth. In the morning I hardly notice it but it builds during the day. My ears are still buzzing and I have a suspicion that this is going to be with me for some time to come.

My feet still "burn" but my hands, still sore seem much better. I realize that all will improve with time but I am dissapointed that I was able to run through all of this only to be stopped now.

Be Happy  ............ Mike

Slow Comback

The morning started with a trip to see Dee and Lorette for a Reiki session, I don't know how they work “Their Magic”, I'm beyond questioning, I do know that the more I can let go the better I will feel; many thanks.

I am surprised I'm not feeling better then I am at this point in time. Even though the chemotherapy is cumulative, based upon how I handled the fifth treatment this has been a real let down. My hands are still buzzing, my mouth still has sensation of being Novocaine'd, (Although enough has worn off enough to sadly let me know a trip to the dentist is forth coming), finally my right foot is a certified wreck.

My “Over All” feeling gets slightly better with each passing day, vision and mental acuity are improving although I still need to be extremely careful at work especially when it involves quoting projects.

Business has picked up and if I can recover fast enough after surgery I'll be hitting the road to reacquaint myself with my customer base. I have lost a number of large projects due this illness and even though they are most likely gone there will be new ones on the horizon.

I'm ready for the weekend and the start of the buildup for Christmas. Kevin returns home sometime over the weekend so we will all be together soon.

Later... Mike 

What is it now, a case of bottles of beer on the wall ? 

Oil and Water

Oil and Water / Gastrografin Enema with bumpy ride home, what do they have in common?

They don't mix, need I say more? I almost made it but I suspect that Susan, flashing back to a very pregnant ride home, albeit full bladder was drawn to every pot hole on Hamburg Road!

The actual procedure went well with the skilled and gentle touch provided by Jill and Karen. It was at times uncomfortable but never painful. I did have a moment of panic near the end of the procedure, when, instructed to roll on my stomach the five inch protrusion which had been inserted (you know where) flew out. Thank goodness we were almost done and it did not need to return home. Believe it or not I left the facility feeling good and laughing. I knew though, after the procedure was complete that not nearly as much fluid escaped in the first “Flush” as went in. I'm sure the Kegel exercises helped but potholes eventually won out.

The Good News to report is that there were no leaks so I'm cleared for surgery.

I had a second appointment with the Oncologist later in the day, that went well except but I found out the port will probably stay we me for some months to come. I was also advised to stay off my feet as much as possible since hand-foot syndrome has set in. My right foot is a mess with my arch feeling like I stepped on a hard rock and bruised it. Dr. Goldstein is in favor of continuing exercise and has suggested riding a stationary bike to reduce impact; I can certainly handle that.

I am so looking forward to being whole again.

Mike

27 Bottles of Beer on the Wall

Leak Test

A week ago I thought I was “in The Clear” as far as chemo was concerned, boy was I wrong.

This past week was one of the toughest week I had since this adventure started. My hands and feet, valiant until now have been a disaster.

If you drew lines from the bridge of your nose, down each side of your mouth, then imagined the entire area (including everything within your mouth) was two hours post Novocaine you have a idea how my face has felt.

Even if running was possible it probably would not have smart, in fact I may have pushed the envelope with a brisk two mile walk yesterday afternoon. I paid dearly as multiple foot rubs could not ease the burning and pain in my feet. In bed at eight thirty I kept looking at the clock, until finally, at eleven thirty I asked Susan to get me a pain pill. I have plenty left as I hardly used what was prescribed after surgery. Thirty minutes later, while Susan stroked my hair, I finally started feeling relief.

Tomorrow morning I head for my “Leak Test”, don't really want to go into much detail but I'll be inflated, x-rays will be taken and then I'll be deflated. The whole procedure should take about a half hour but I fear the next appointment, early in the afternoon will test the Kegel exercises I've been doing. Perhaps this will serve as a life lesson, maybe I should keep an appointment book instead of lugging an emergency bucket

Later......... Mike

Twenty Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall

Beat Down

I swear 5-FU is acting just like a bully, really wailing away on some kid because he's moving away.

Sunday afternoon, showered, dressed and ready for an afternoon of music my body just refused to cooperate. It was almost an exact repeat of Thanksgiving with a fine morning followed with a most unpleasant conclusion to the day.

It was to get worse, Monday morning brought the strangest combination of buzzing, sore, partially numb arms and legs. My ears hummed loudly and with my fogged head I did not trust myself to write a proposal for services.

Yesterday was perhaps even weirder, my hands were quite sore and fingers alternated their status from tingling to just numb. I have to admit that at different times during the day I felt quite sorry for myself.

Some good new to report, my trip to the specialists at the Wilmer Eye Institute resulted in them finding..... drum roll....... nothing. The only remark they had was there was some unusual pigmentation in the retina (right eye only) most likely a genetic “thing” that would never cause any problems.

Today is somewhat better and I'm hoping that I can make a running committee meeting this evening.

Mike

Almost forgot.... Surgery to restore me is set for January 9^th !

Gloved Hands

I don't know what I expected from the last treatment but I didn't expect that multiple parts of my body would go partially numb. At first I thought it was just exposure to cold but as I laid in bed, "snug as a bug in a rug", I felt portions of my hands, feet and face go numb. Soon after Susan offered to rub my back and to my surprise there was numbness' especially along my spinal cord. The numbness in my hands and feet might be bringing some comfort from the burning and soreness caused by the 5-FU so perhaps it's a blessing in disguise?

What I am experiencing may last a while but it will be nothing compared to what I would have gone through if I had more treatments or what others go through on a routine basis.

The weekend was a mixed bag of good and bad starting off with the Byron 15K Saturday morning. I didn't run but opted instead to photograph the runners instead. Imagine my surprise when I got to photograph a movie star, Sean Astin, who was in Lord of the Rings and also starred in the movie Rudy, (Nice Guy). Bundled up as I was Sean mentioned that I looked like an Inuit.

Can't say I felt “Peachy” later in the day after Larry dropped me off but by Sunday morning I felt decent enough to log seven miles on the trail. All right, I know I'm not “supposed” to run more than five but the extra two miles were more like a walk/run, smell the roses, clean the trails and “kill some time” so you won't have to wait so long for your companions who are running ten miles.

It won't surprise to many people to know that even now I may just drink a beer or so after running but Sunday, after our run, this was almost comical. Let's see if I can paint a picture; during my run I had double gloves, hand warmers, toe warmers, full face-mask and three layers of clothing to run in forty to fifty degree weather. Following the run I added a heavy coat and monstrous gloves my brother Tim loaned me.

If you were to ask me how many beers I drank Sunday morning I simply could not tell you. I can report that three beers were opened for me, placed between almost useless heavily gloved hands. Inevitability, each beer would slip through my grasp, retrieved / replaced after striking the ground albeit full of foam.

Returning home I felt pretty good, a warm shower, something to eat and dressed to see Patrick perform I sat down to relax. Thirty minutes later there was a repeat of Thanksgiving, my body simply would not cooperate and I had to stay home. For a couple hours I huddled under three blankets while wearing a fur lined hat. I greeted my bed at six forty five PM and stayed put for the next twelve hours.

I remind myself each day that the side effects will subside and my body will become more predictable.

Later ........... Mike

Two Days After

What we think we know and what we actually know sometimes can be a chasm as wide as the Grand Canyon.

I was sure that my previous post would result in a ridiculous amount of hits but it surprisingly the blog has been very quiet. Perhaps there is not much “Afternoon Delight” going on worldwide or I just need to admit I know little or nothing about what Search Engines point to.

On to more relevant things going on with me.

This has been an interesting week for me both physically and mentally. Each infusion has been so different and this one did not “disappoint”. As this is my last, I have been more calm and collected than ever, spurred on by the knowledge that this component of my journey is done.

Physically however this is been insane; some side effects are better but some far worse. Yesterday for example I told Sue I needed to go out for a walk. As the temp was in the mid-forties I wasn't too concerned but never the less I bundled up. On my hands were heavy Mountaineering gloves loaned to me by my brother Tim. Since I put them on before throwing on a heavy coat I found it necessary to call Susan over to “button me up”. As I stood there with my wife buttoning my coat I could not help but feel just like a kid heading out into the snow. When finished Sue looked at me and asked, “How about a Hat?”.

Fifty eight years old isn't quite ancient but it probably is old enough to know that when your wife suggests something it might be wise to listen. “It's my hands I'm having a problem with, I'll be OK”, I said as I left the office with a baseball cap on. The outward walk was just fine, my hands were almost hot in those monstrous gloves, so much better than stinging and numb.

They story changed as I reversed course, perhaps bundled up  I failed to feel the slight breeze at my back on the outbound trek. Turning into the breeze it wasn't long before my eyes hurt and the tips of my ears screamed at me. My gloved hands placed on my ears could not help my eyes and they started to tear up. A single tear flowed down the left side of my face and as it did it there was a feeling felt that someone, armed with an X-ACTO knife was following it's path. Soon, perhaps to my benefit, most of my face was either tingling or just numb.

That was yesterday and today is today. (Profound hey)

Today I feel somewhat better, giving full credit to this morning's Reiki treatment; time it seems will be the other answer to feeling good again.

Going to sign off, sorry to say my hands are sore, my feet are buzzing and I can feel every tooth in my mouth; think I'll lay down on the couch for a few.

Mike